Will you still need me... will you still feed me, when I am sixty-four?
The Beatles crooned this line perhaps wondering what it takes to keep 'desire' alive in a marriage at the ripe age of sixty-four. Well - humans are thankfully living longer than ever, and this line is as applicable for a couple at the age of seventy-four, eighty-four and thereafter too.
Fact is - a marriage is a lifelong relationship, but like everything else affected by time, it changes as the years go by. Change is the only constant, as they say. In the case of a marriage, change does not only occur because its individual parts evolve, but also because as age sets in, lifestyles no longer remain the same.
The wise prepare for change before it happens. In order to help you not be taken by surprise too, we present a run through the foremost changes you can expect in your twosome, as you grow old -
Time to get in each other's way
Arun spent much of his life jet-setting across cities but when he handed over the reins of his life to his son, he found himself with a lot more time on his hands. His wife Malti was initially delighted at the thought of finally, having her husband to herself for long stretches of time. But she hadn't reckoned with the fact that he would get under her feet while she ran the house, or have time to question her decisions! The truth is that there is no retirement from running a household. It took time for this duo to settle down into a routine, wherein Malti shared some of her chores and the decision-making process with Arun.
Time to share common interests
For the reason mentioned above, it helps if a couple shares more than a hobby or two. You want to grow old with each other, right? Not bored with each other - so keep 'discovering common interests' high on your agenda throughout your married life. That will make your shared journey in the twilight of your life all the more interesting. As you grow old, you will find yourself relying more on these pastimes you both enjoy.
Hear what Seema, blissfully married to Vijay for forty years, advises youngsters - "Don't get so involved in the rollercoaster of life that you don't find the time to really live together in every sense. Don't assume that living together is the sole purpose of your marriage, and continue to pursue what interests you separately. Marriage is all about sharing these interests."
Need for support
Have you ever seen frail elderly people holding hands when they walk? It seems wonderful that their love still blooms after all those years. But is it also true that that may also be doing so to keep each other stable and upright! As every married person knows, marriage puts you in a space where you start relying on each other. It is normal for this dependence will grow as you age - accept this as a natural phenomenon, not as a sign of your weakness.
Let's not get physical
So - libido does tend to slow down with age, but this presents as a challenging situation if a wife or husband experiences a faster or greater slowdown than the other. Realizing that intimacy amounts to a lot more than mere sex helps, so too does a healthy respect for each other's ageing process.
Looking back
You'll spend more time looking back at the various stages of your life as you get old. Think about it - isn't the best compliment you can give your spouse, in the sunset years of your life, telling him / her that he / she was the best decision you ever made? But don't wait until then. Evaluate your relationship along the way too. Are you content with the way things stand? If not, work to resolve issues.
Robert Browning's poem - Grow old along with me! - captures the spirit of growing old together... while suggesting that a relationship is meant to be experienced in full, through its various stages:
"Grow old along with me!
The best is yet to be,
The last of life, for which the first was made:
Our times are in His hand
Who saith "A whole I planned,
Youth shows but half; trust God: see all, nor be afraid!"
Sunday, 27 February 2011
Saturday, 26 February 2011
Memo from a Child to Parents
Memo from a Child to Parents
Reprinted from The Message International, June 1991, p. 40
Don't spoil me. I know quite well that I ought not to have all I ask for. I'm only testing you.
2. Don't be afraid to be firm with me. I prefer it, it makes me feel secure.
3. Don't let me form bad habits. I have to rely on you to detect them in the early stages.
4. Don't make me feel smaller than I am. It only makes me behave stupidly "big".
5. Don't correct me in front of people if you can help it. I'll take much more notice if you talk quietly with me in private.
6. Don't make me feel that my mistakes are sins. It upsets my sense of values.
7. Don't protect me from consequences. I need to learn the painful way sometimes.
8. Don't be too upset when I say "I hate you". Sometimes it isn't you I hate but your power to thwart me.
9. Don't take too much notice of my small ailments. Sometimes they get me the attention I need.
10. Don't nag. If you do, I shall have to protect myself by appearing deaf.
11. Don't forget that I cannot explain myself as well as I should like. That is why I am not always accurate.
12. Don't put me off when I ask questions. If you do, you will find that I stop asking and seek my information elsewhere.
13. Don't be inconsistent. That completely confuses me and makes me lose faith in you.
14. Don't tell me my fears are silly. They are terribly real and you can do much to reassure me if you try to understand.
15. Don't ever suggest that you are perfect or infallible. It gives me too great a shock when I discover that you are neither.
16. Don't ever think that it is beneath your dignity to apologize to me. An honest apology makes me feel surprisingly warm towards you.
17. Don't forget I love experimenting. I couldn't get along without it, so please put up with it.
18. Don't forget how quickly I am growing up. It must be very difficult for you to keep pace with me, but please do try.
19. Don't forget that I don't thrive without lots of love and understanding, but I don't need to tell you, do I?
20. Please keep yourself fit and healthy. I need you.
Reprinted from The Message International, June 1991, p. 40
Don't spoil me. I know quite well that I ought not to have all I ask for. I'm only testing you.
2. Don't be afraid to be firm with me. I prefer it, it makes me feel secure.
3. Don't let me form bad habits. I have to rely on you to detect them in the early stages.
4. Don't make me feel smaller than I am. It only makes me behave stupidly "big".
5. Don't correct me in front of people if you can help it. I'll take much more notice if you talk quietly with me in private.
6. Don't make me feel that my mistakes are sins. It upsets my sense of values.
7. Don't protect me from consequences. I need to learn the painful way sometimes.
8. Don't be too upset when I say "I hate you". Sometimes it isn't you I hate but your power to thwart me.
9. Don't take too much notice of my small ailments. Sometimes they get me the attention I need.
10. Don't nag. If you do, I shall have to protect myself by appearing deaf.
11. Don't forget that I cannot explain myself as well as I should like. That is why I am not always accurate.
12. Don't put me off when I ask questions. If you do, you will find that I stop asking and seek my information elsewhere.
13. Don't be inconsistent. That completely confuses me and makes me lose faith in you.
14. Don't tell me my fears are silly. They are terribly real and you can do much to reassure me if you try to understand.
15. Don't ever suggest that you are perfect or infallible. It gives me too great a shock when I discover that you are neither.
16. Don't ever think that it is beneath your dignity to apologize to me. An honest apology makes me feel surprisingly warm towards you.
17. Don't forget I love experimenting. I couldn't get along without it, so please put up with it.
18. Don't forget how quickly I am growing up. It must be very difficult for you to keep pace with me, but please do try.
19. Don't forget that I don't thrive without lots of love and understanding, but I don't need to tell you, do I?
20. Please keep yourself fit and healthy. I need you.
PRACTICAL TIPS FOR PARENTING
PRACTICAL TIPS FOR PARENTING
YOUNG CHILDREN
By Dr. Aisha Hamdan
As outlined in a previous article, parents of young children (preschool age) should have few expectations in terms of behavior and acquisition of knowledge due to the cognitive limitations at this age. This does not mean that children should be allowed to run about and do as they please; they still require guidelines and boundaries. What it does mean is that care should be taken regarding the methods that are used to raise children and the values that are instilled from the very beginning. It is interesting to note that the Arabic term tarbiyah, which is often used to mean teaching or training, generally refers to growth, increase, nourishment, and cultivation. This relates to the physical, intellectual, emotional, psychological, and spiritual aspects of an individual. When thinking of growth and cultivation this implies that something has already been planted or is already present (natural fitrah). Tarbiyah then refers to the various methods that are used to watch over and attend to a child until he or she becomes prepared to take responsibility and behave in complete submission to and worship of Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala. The following suggestions are techniques that may be used for tarbiyah for early childhood.
Play, Play, Play: Play should be the primary emphasis during this time in a child's life since this is the means through which they gain an understanding of the world around them. Pretend or imaginative play is the most common type of play during this stage and this directly impacts cognitive, social, and psychological development. Children will often mimic or imitate the behavior of adults or other children around them in their play, which is their way of preparing for their particular roles in life. Girls will most often imitate their mother, and boys will follow in the footsteps of their father. You will see girls playing with dolls, dressing and feeding them and boys in more rough-and-tumble physical types of play. These gender roles develop at an early age and are a natural part of Allah's plan for the differentiation of responsibilities for men and women. These and other types of play should be encouraged and fostered in young children.
Prevention: The saying "Prevention is the best medicine" is true not only in the medical field, but also within psychology. There are many steps that parents can take to prevent misbehavior and avoid the disruption that this can cause within the family. First of all, children need predictability, structure, and guidelines because this gives them a sense of security and a feeling that there is order in the world. When this is present they are less likely to feel anxious or stressed which, in turn, will decrease the likelihood of inappropriate behavior. Children will sometimes act chaotic if they are in a chaotic environment. Secondly, probably the most common reason for misbehavior is to gain attention from a parent or other adults. A defining feature of being human is the need for social contact, approval, and attention that is already present at birth. When parents fulfill this need adequately, a child will feel content and be more likely to engage in solitary play. If a child is not able to obtain attention through positive behavior, he or she may utilize negative behavior for this purpose. Parents can fulfill this need by spending quality time with their child (e.g., talking, playing, reading, enjoying nature, and much more). Quality is often more important than quantity.
Rewarding Positive Behavior: The concept of rewards and punishments is an integral part of Islamic Aqueedah as there are natural consequences for each of our actions. This same wisdom can be applied to the area of parenting. The Messenger of Allah, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, said that Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, says, "Allah has written down the good deeds and the bad ones. Then He explained it (by saying that) he who has intended a good deed and has not done it, Allah writes it down with Himself as a full good deed; but if he has intended it and has done it, Allah writes it down with Himself as from ten good deeds to seven hundred times, or many times over. But if he has intended a bad deed and has not done it, Allah writes it down with Himself as a full good deed, but if he has intended it and has done it, Allah writes it down as one bad deed." (Bukhari and Muslim). Allah's mercy can be seen in this Hadeeth Qudsi and this should be reflected in a parent's tarbiyah as well. Rewards are effective in not only increasing the occurrence of positive behavior, but also in decreasing negative behavior and increasing a child's self-esteem. The most effective rewards for children are those that are the easiest to give: praise, encouragement, hugs, thanks, etc.
Ignoring Misbehavior: Many of the inappropriate behaviors of young children can simply be ignored or disregarded. The Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, is our best example in this regard. Anas ibn Malik said, "The Messenger of Allah, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, had the best disposition among people. One day he sent me on an errand and I said, 'By Allah, I will not go,' but it was in my mind that I would do as the Messenger of Allah had ordered me. I went until I came upon children playing in the street. Then the Messenger of Allah, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, arrived and he caught me by the back of my neck from behind. As I looked at him, I found him smiling, and he said, 'Unays (Anas' nickname), did you go where I asked you to go?' I said, 'O Messenger of Allah, yes, I am going.'" Anas said further, "I served him for nine years, but I do not know that he ever said to me about anything I did, why I did that, or about anything I had neglected, why I had not done that." (Muslim). We may want to compare this to how we react to or interact with our own children. For young children, in particular, it is really counterproductive to berate, question, and reprimand when they really have little understanding as to why they acted in a certain way. Simply ignoring the behavior may be the most appropriate response. Another related technique is to redirect the child to something else in the environment to draw attention away from the undesirable.
It is important to realize that within these general guidelines there are about as many ways to parent as there are parents. Parents need to take into consideration the unique personalities, dispositions, and gifts of each child when deciding upon a particular approach. What may work with one child may not necessarily be effective with another. It is also imperative to remember that our children are one of the greatest tests that we have from Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, and we need to continually ask Him for assistance and guidance for ourselves and our children. This is the most effective and powerful tool for tarbiyah. "When My servants ask you (Muhammad) concerning Me, I am indeed near. I respond to the prayer of every suppliant when he calls on Me. Let them also, with a will, listen to My call and believe in Me, that they may walk in the right way." [2:186]
YOUNG CHILDREN
By Dr. Aisha Hamdan
As outlined in a previous article, parents of young children (preschool age) should have few expectations in terms of behavior and acquisition of knowledge due to the cognitive limitations at this age. This does not mean that children should be allowed to run about and do as they please; they still require guidelines and boundaries. What it does mean is that care should be taken regarding the methods that are used to raise children and the values that are instilled from the very beginning. It is interesting to note that the Arabic term tarbiyah, which is often used to mean teaching or training, generally refers to growth, increase, nourishment, and cultivation. This relates to the physical, intellectual, emotional, psychological, and spiritual aspects of an individual. When thinking of growth and cultivation this implies that something has already been planted or is already present (natural fitrah). Tarbiyah then refers to the various methods that are used to watch over and attend to a child until he or she becomes prepared to take responsibility and behave in complete submission to and worship of Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala. The following suggestions are techniques that may be used for tarbiyah for early childhood.
Play, Play, Play: Play should be the primary emphasis during this time in a child's life since this is the means through which they gain an understanding of the world around them. Pretend or imaginative play is the most common type of play during this stage and this directly impacts cognitive, social, and psychological development. Children will often mimic or imitate the behavior of adults or other children around them in their play, which is their way of preparing for their particular roles in life. Girls will most often imitate their mother, and boys will follow in the footsteps of their father. You will see girls playing with dolls, dressing and feeding them and boys in more rough-and-tumble physical types of play. These gender roles develop at an early age and are a natural part of Allah's plan for the differentiation of responsibilities for men and women. These and other types of play should be encouraged and fostered in young children.
Prevention: The saying "Prevention is the best medicine" is true not only in the medical field, but also within psychology. There are many steps that parents can take to prevent misbehavior and avoid the disruption that this can cause within the family. First of all, children need predictability, structure, and guidelines because this gives them a sense of security and a feeling that there is order in the world. When this is present they are less likely to feel anxious or stressed which, in turn, will decrease the likelihood of inappropriate behavior. Children will sometimes act chaotic if they are in a chaotic environment. Secondly, probably the most common reason for misbehavior is to gain attention from a parent or other adults. A defining feature of being human is the need for social contact, approval, and attention that is already present at birth. When parents fulfill this need adequately, a child will feel content and be more likely to engage in solitary play. If a child is not able to obtain attention through positive behavior, he or she may utilize negative behavior for this purpose. Parents can fulfill this need by spending quality time with their child (e.g., talking, playing, reading, enjoying nature, and much more). Quality is often more important than quantity.
Rewarding Positive Behavior: The concept of rewards and punishments is an integral part of Islamic Aqueedah as there are natural consequences for each of our actions. This same wisdom can be applied to the area of parenting. The Messenger of Allah, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, said that Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, says, "Allah has written down the good deeds and the bad ones. Then He explained it (by saying that) he who has intended a good deed and has not done it, Allah writes it down with Himself as a full good deed; but if he has intended it and has done it, Allah writes it down with Himself as from ten good deeds to seven hundred times, or many times over. But if he has intended a bad deed and has not done it, Allah writes it down with Himself as a full good deed, but if he has intended it and has done it, Allah writes it down as one bad deed." (Bukhari and Muslim). Allah's mercy can be seen in this Hadeeth Qudsi and this should be reflected in a parent's tarbiyah as well. Rewards are effective in not only increasing the occurrence of positive behavior, but also in decreasing negative behavior and increasing a child's self-esteem. The most effective rewards for children are those that are the easiest to give: praise, encouragement, hugs, thanks, etc.
Ignoring Misbehavior: Many of the inappropriate behaviors of young children can simply be ignored or disregarded. The Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, is our best example in this regard. Anas ibn Malik said, "The Messenger of Allah, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, had the best disposition among people. One day he sent me on an errand and I said, 'By Allah, I will not go,' but it was in my mind that I would do as the Messenger of Allah had ordered me. I went until I came upon children playing in the street. Then the Messenger of Allah, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, arrived and he caught me by the back of my neck from behind. As I looked at him, I found him smiling, and he said, 'Unays (Anas' nickname), did you go where I asked you to go?' I said, 'O Messenger of Allah, yes, I am going.'" Anas said further, "I served him for nine years, but I do not know that he ever said to me about anything I did, why I did that, or about anything I had neglected, why I had not done that." (Muslim). We may want to compare this to how we react to or interact with our own children. For young children, in particular, it is really counterproductive to berate, question, and reprimand when they really have little understanding as to why they acted in a certain way. Simply ignoring the behavior may be the most appropriate response. Another related technique is to redirect the child to something else in the environment to draw attention away from the undesirable.
It is important to realize that within these general guidelines there are about as many ways to parent as there are parents. Parents need to take into consideration the unique personalities, dispositions, and gifts of each child when deciding upon a particular approach. What may work with one child may not necessarily be effective with another. It is also imperative to remember that our children are one of the greatest tests that we have from Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, and we need to continually ask Him for assistance and guidance for ourselves and our children. This is the most effective and powerful tool for tarbiyah. "When My servants ask you (Muhammad) concerning Me, I am indeed near. I respond to the prayer of every suppliant when he calls on Me. Let them also, with a will, listen to My call and believe in Me, that they may walk in the right way." [2:186]
Building Self-Esteem in Your Child
Building Self-Esteem in Your Child
By Dr. Aisha Hamdan
One of the most important things that parents can do for their children is to help them develop high self-esteem and a positive self image. Self-esteem is an evaluation of the information contained in a person's self-concept. Self-concept is the combination of terms that a person uses to describe him/herself.
Self-esteem is important because it is seen as a central factor in positive social and emotional adjustment. Children with high self-esteem are capable of making good decisions, are proud of their accomplishments, and are willing to take responsibility and ready to cope with frustration. Also, they are more socially competent, they perform better in school, and are more likely to avoid future serious problems such as school dropout and drug use.
Parents and the family environment obviously play a critical role in the development of high self-esteem. When children feel that they are listened to, taken seriously, and genuinely cared for, their self-esteem is high. Here are a few suggestions that can improve your child's self-esteem.
I ) Nurture the Special Gifts from Allah.
Each child is born in a natural state of submission to Allah (fitrah) and along with this comes a unique personality, temperament, skills, abilities, and special gifts from Allah. These gifts are given to a child for a purpose, and they should be nurtured and allowed to develop to their fullest capacity. Parents play an important role in this area, in that they first need to determine what those gifts are, and then find ways to enhance them. This task will become easier as the child develops, but certain elements are already apparent at an early age. Academics, hobbies, organizations, sports, and other special interests are all means that these special gifts can be nurtured. This point is especially emphasized for girls who are often ignored in this regard. If a child's natural abilities are not allowed to grow, this will have obvious implications for self-esteem. If a child is forced into an area in which there is no interest or ability, he or she will be more likely to have low-esteem, and will probably not live up to the expectations of his/her parents.
2) Communicate With Your Child.
An amazing statistic is that the average American child spends 1680 minutes per week in front of a machine (TV) and only 38.5 minutes in a meaningful conversation with his/her parents. No wonder children lack social skills and families have so many problems. It is very important that parents communicate with their children EVERY DAY, not only for self-esteem enhancement, but for many other reasons. The most critical element for effective communication is listening (really listen) This means giving your child undivided attention, putting aside your feelings and opinions for a moment, and trying to understand those of your child. His ideas, emotions, and feelings should be taken seriously. A parent should show the child that what they do is important and talk with them about their activities and interests. It will obviously be necessary to express values and beliefs, but this should be done in a calm manner and be accompanied with a rationale. Problems should be discussed without placing blame or commenting on a child's character. If children know that there is a problem but don't feel attacked, they are more likely to help find a solution.
3) Foster Responsibility and lndependence.
Ultimately our children will need to make decisions on their own and be accountable to Allah for their own actions. An important component of a healthy self-esteem and sound decision-making is the opportunity to learn and develop these skills. Parents should help their children learn these decision-making and problem-solving skills and encourage the children to use them on a regular basis. These skills can be fostered by giving children responsibilities and gradually allowing them more freedom and control over their lives, especially as they get closer to adulthood. The responsibilities should be reasonable depending on the age of the child and the parent should give support when needed. Children who are given these opportunities will feel useful, valued, and competent. This will also increase the level of trust between parent and child which is a critical element in any relationship.
4) Love Your Child Abundantly.
This means showing, how much you care and telling your child that you love him/her on a regular basis. It also means spending time with your child whenever possible; playing games, talking, sharing favorite activities, taking a walk, praying and reading Qur'an. The list is endless. When parents talk with a child, they should use phrases that build self-esteem such as "Thank you for helping,'' "That was an excellent idea!," "You are terrific!," "What a nice job!," "Masha' Allah." Praise, recognition, special privileges, or increased responsibility may be given for accomplishments and successes. Physical contact is very important such as pats on the back, hugs, strokes, kisses. A sense of humor also goes a long way in dealing with many situations and for strengthening the parent-child relationship. We should remind ourselves that Prophet Muhammad, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, was always kind, respectful, and affectionate toward children.
These are just a few of the ways that parents can develop and improve the self esteem of their children. Once a child has acquired a positive feeling about him/herself, this will filter over into other areas of life and the child will become more successful, competent and self-confident. High self-esteem not only has positive implications for the child but also for the family as it shares, grows, and strengthens. This will make the bonds of the family strong and create a beautiful environment for parents and children which is part of the overall plan that Allah has set for the family unit.
By Dr. Aisha Hamdan
One of the most important things that parents can do for their children is to help them develop high self-esteem and a positive self image. Self-esteem is an evaluation of the information contained in a person's self-concept. Self-concept is the combination of terms that a person uses to describe him/herself.
Self-esteem is important because it is seen as a central factor in positive social and emotional adjustment. Children with high self-esteem are capable of making good decisions, are proud of their accomplishments, and are willing to take responsibility and ready to cope with frustration. Also, they are more socially competent, they perform better in school, and are more likely to avoid future serious problems such as school dropout and drug use.
Parents and the family environment obviously play a critical role in the development of high self-esteem. When children feel that they are listened to, taken seriously, and genuinely cared for, their self-esteem is high. Here are a few suggestions that can improve your child's self-esteem.
I ) Nurture the Special Gifts from Allah.
Each child is born in a natural state of submission to Allah (fitrah) and along with this comes a unique personality, temperament, skills, abilities, and special gifts from Allah. These gifts are given to a child for a purpose, and they should be nurtured and allowed to develop to their fullest capacity. Parents play an important role in this area, in that they first need to determine what those gifts are, and then find ways to enhance them. This task will become easier as the child develops, but certain elements are already apparent at an early age. Academics, hobbies, organizations, sports, and other special interests are all means that these special gifts can be nurtured. This point is especially emphasized for girls who are often ignored in this regard. If a child's natural abilities are not allowed to grow, this will have obvious implications for self-esteem. If a child is forced into an area in which there is no interest or ability, he or she will be more likely to have low-esteem, and will probably not live up to the expectations of his/her parents.
2) Communicate With Your Child.
An amazing statistic is that the average American child spends 1680 minutes per week in front of a machine (TV) and only 38.5 minutes in a meaningful conversation with his/her parents. No wonder children lack social skills and families have so many problems. It is very important that parents communicate with their children EVERY DAY, not only for self-esteem enhancement, but for many other reasons. The most critical element for effective communication is listening (really listen) This means giving your child undivided attention, putting aside your feelings and opinions for a moment, and trying to understand those of your child. His ideas, emotions, and feelings should be taken seriously. A parent should show the child that what they do is important and talk with them about their activities and interests. It will obviously be necessary to express values and beliefs, but this should be done in a calm manner and be accompanied with a rationale. Problems should be discussed without placing blame or commenting on a child's character. If children know that there is a problem but don't feel attacked, they are more likely to help find a solution.
3) Foster Responsibility and lndependence.
Ultimately our children will need to make decisions on their own and be accountable to Allah for their own actions. An important component of a healthy self-esteem and sound decision-making is the opportunity to learn and develop these skills. Parents should help their children learn these decision-making and problem-solving skills and encourage the children to use them on a regular basis. These skills can be fostered by giving children responsibilities and gradually allowing them more freedom and control over their lives, especially as they get closer to adulthood. The responsibilities should be reasonable depending on the age of the child and the parent should give support when needed. Children who are given these opportunities will feel useful, valued, and competent. This will also increase the level of trust between parent and child which is a critical element in any relationship.
4) Love Your Child Abundantly.
This means showing, how much you care and telling your child that you love him/her on a regular basis. It also means spending time with your child whenever possible; playing games, talking, sharing favorite activities, taking a walk, praying and reading Qur'an. The list is endless. When parents talk with a child, they should use phrases that build self-esteem such as "Thank you for helping,'' "That was an excellent idea!," "You are terrific!," "What a nice job!," "Masha' Allah." Praise, recognition, special privileges, or increased responsibility may be given for accomplishments and successes. Physical contact is very important such as pats on the back, hugs, strokes, kisses. A sense of humor also goes a long way in dealing with many situations and for strengthening the parent-child relationship. We should remind ourselves that Prophet Muhammad, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, was always kind, respectful, and affectionate toward children.
These are just a few of the ways that parents can develop and improve the self esteem of their children. Once a child has acquired a positive feeling about him/herself, this will filter over into other areas of life and the child will become more successful, competent and self-confident. High self-esteem not only has positive implications for the child but also for the family as it shares, grows, and strengthens. This will make the bonds of the family strong and create a beautiful environment for parents and children which is part of the overall plan that Allah has set for the family unit.
Building a Child's Self-Esteem
Building a Child's Self-Esteem
by Mildred M. El-Amin
"O ye people! Worship your guardian Lord, Who created you and those before you that ye may become righteous."
Quran 2:21
Family Life Question:
"Children frequently express feelings of not being liked by other children and not being able to do things before making an attempt. What are some ways to encourage self-confidence in children?"
Dear Parents:
Children who are morally and spiritually conscience develop a sense of their own self-worth. Helping our children develop healthy self-esteem is one of the most important things that parents can do for them; it is the foundation of their faith and commitment to Allah. Children need to be assured that they are a special gift from Allah and they are to dedicate their talents and resources to Thy service--this gives them value, purpose and direction for life. Through every phase of a child's development, they need provisions for moral and spiritual enrichment that encourages them to truly reverence Allah and to thus value the beauty in themselves.
"We have indeed created man in the best of molds." (Quran 95:4) There is no fault in Allah's creation; to man, Allah gave the purest and best nature. Our duty is to preserve, and nurture the distinctive character that Allah has created.
Healthy feelings about oneself or high self-esteem is best started in the home, and this needs to be cultivated in our children from birth. Thankfulness for who Allah has made us to be is based primarily on how our parents or guardians view us. Children mirror others' perception of them; they measure themselves by the standards set by those shaping their lives. A child needs our unconditional love. While we may show disapproval of wrong actions, the child still needs to feel cherished. We are guided: "...truly no one despairs of Allah's soothing Mercy, except those who have no faith." (Quran 12:87) Our unconditional compassion for our children will promote and encourage their faith in Allah and instill the thinking that "I am lovable, I am confident."
Persons with healthy self-esteem are more capable of making decisions; they exhibit thankfulness for their accomplishments, are willing to take responsibility, and are better able to cope with stressful situations. They meet and feel enthusiastic about challenges. Often a student with a high IQ and low self-esteem will do poorly in school, while a child with average ability and high self-esteem will excel. The thinking that is cultivated in a person in the early years affects his entire life.
The National PTA along with the March of Dimes has developed a program called "Parenting: The Underdeveloped Skill" to help parents learn to better communicate with their children and to nurture their youngster's self-esteem. Some steps they outline include: "1. Showing kids how to communicate their feelings, openly and honestly, is a good place for parents to start. Children need to know that even anger and fear are to be appropriately expressed rather than bottled up. Because children learn by example, parents must let their feelings be known. 2. Listening--truly listening to children is a second key to developing good self-esteem. Having parents listen not only enhances children's good feeling about themselves, it also teaches them...(to be caring). 3. Teaching how to get along with others through negotiation and compromise is important. 4. Establishing fair, consistent discipline is one of the other building blocks of good self-esteem. 5. Giving children responsibilities--tasks that are meaningful and 'do-able' and that they can be accountable for also builds self-esteem. 6. Permitting children to make decisions (even an occasional wrong one) helps them learn good judgment. 7. Keeping a sense of humor is important. It can work wonders and helps children keep perspective on what is important. 8. Treating children lovingly, with both respect and courtesy, helps children learn that they are beautiful and worthwhile people. Parents, treat them the way you yourself want to be treated." The Parenting: The Underdeveloped Skill kit is available through the Chicago office of the National PTA. (8)
When we build a warm and friendly relationship with our children, we establish the best opportunity for imparting strong moral and spiritual values to them--the key to high self-esteem.
REFERENCES:
8. Self Esteem--the key to success in school and in life, " The National PTA-87, A Special Red book Section, (The Hearst Corporation, 1987) pgs. 36-42.
The previous article is reprinted by permission from Family Roots: The Quranic View of Family Life, by Mildred M. El-Amin, 1991, pp. 116-118, 220.
by Mildred M. El-Amin
"O ye people! Worship your guardian Lord, Who created you and those before you that ye may become righteous."
Quran 2:21
Family Life Question:
"Children frequently express feelings of not being liked by other children and not being able to do things before making an attempt. What are some ways to encourage self-confidence in children?"
Dear Parents:
Children who are morally and spiritually conscience develop a sense of their own self-worth. Helping our children develop healthy self-esteem is one of the most important things that parents can do for them; it is the foundation of their faith and commitment to Allah. Children need to be assured that they are a special gift from Allah and they are to dedicate their talents and resources to Thy service--this gives them value, purpose and direction for life. Through every phase of a child's development, they need provisions for moral and spiritual enrichment that encourages them to truly reverence Allah and to thus value the beauty in themselves.
"We have indeed created man in the best of molds." (Quran 95:4) There is no fault in Allah's creation; to man, Allah gave the purest and best nature. Our duty is to preserve, and nurture the distinctive character that Allah has created.
Healthy feelings about oneself or high self-esteem is best started in the home, and this needs to be cultivated in our children from birth. Thankfulness for who Allah has made us to be is based primarily on how our parents or guardians view us. Children mirror others' perception of them; they measure themselves by the standards set by those shaping their lives. A child needs our unconditional love. While we may show disapproval of wrong actions, the child still needs to feel cherished. We are guided: "...truly no one despairs of Allah's soothing Mercy, except those who have no faith." (Quran 12:87) Our unconditional compassion for our children will promote and encourage their faith in Allah and instill the thinking that "I am lovable, I am confident."
Persons with healthy self-esteem are more capable of making decisions; they exhibit thankfulness for their accomplishments, are willing to take responsibility, and are better able to cope with stressful situations. They meet and feel enthusiastic about challenges. Often a student with a high IQ and low self-esteem will do poorly in school, while a child with average ability and high self-esteem will excel. The thinking that is cultivated in a person in the early years affects his entire life.
The National PTA along with the March of Dimes has developed a program called "Parenting: The Underdeveloped Skill" to help parents learn to better communicate with their children and to nurture their youngster's self-esteem. Some steps they outline include: "1. Showing kids how to communicate their feelings, openly and honestly, is a good place for parents to start. Children need to know that even anger and fear are to be appropriately expressed rather than bottled up. Because children learn by example, parents must let their feelings be known. 2. Listening--truly listening to children is a second key to developing good self-esteem. Having parents listen not only enhances children's good feeling about themselves, it also teaches them...(to be caring). 3. Teaching how to get along with others through negotiation and compromise is important. 4. Establishing fair, consistent discipline is one of the other building blocks of good self-esteem. 5. Giving children responsibilities--tasks that are meaningful and 'do-able' and that they can be accountable for also builds self-esteem. 6. Permitting children to make decisions (even an occasional wrong one) helps them learn good judgment. 7. Keeping a sense of humor is important. It can work wonders and helps children keep perspective on what is important. 8. Treating children lovingly, with both respect and courtesy, helps children learn that they are beautiful and worthwhile people. Parents, treat them the way you yourself want to be treated." The Parenting: The Underdeveloped Skill kit is available through the Chicago office of the National PTA. (8)
When we build a warm and friendly relationship with our children, we establish the best opportunity for imparting strong moral and spiritual values to them--the key to high self-esteem.
REFERENCES:
8. Self Esteem--the key to success in school and in life, " The National PTA-87, A Special Red book Section, (The Hearst Corporation, 1987) pgs. 36-42.
The previous article is reprinted by permission from Family Roots: The Quranic View of Family Life, by Mildred M. El-Amin, 1991, pp. 116-118, 220.
Safety with Young Children
Safety with Young Children
by Fatima M. D'Oyen
It requires a lot of patience to take care of an active young child. Children are naturally curious; babies commonly put things in their mouths to test whether or not they are good to eat, and toddlers may put small objects into their nose or ears! Everyone in the family should by aware of safety rules. Every home with an infant or young child should be childproofed, which means that all dangerous items should be out of the child's reach.
Here are some good points to remember:
¥ Children should not be left in the car, or at home alone until they are old enough to take care of themselves in an emergency. Babies and young children must be supervised at all times. Even one-day-old babies have been known to roll themselves off tables. It only takes a few seconds for a disaster to happen!
¥ Keep medicines and poisons safely locked away out of the reach of young children. Special stickers can be bought from the chemist to put on bottles of medicine and poisons. They let children know with pictures and symbols that what is inside the bottle is not good to eat or drink. Cleaning liquids, paints, powders and dangerous chemicals should not be stored inside old food or drink containers.
¥ Keep the number of the doctor, hospital and emergency services near the telephone in case of a serious accident. Every home should have basic first aid supplies on hand; milk, charcoal tablets and syrup of ipecac are especially important since they may be needed at a moment's notice in order to treat accidental poisoning. Keep in mind that the doctor will need to know exactly what the child has swallowed in the case of poisoning, so that he can quickly decide on the best treatment.
¥ Try to learn a few basic rules of first aid - it might save the life of someone you love! Scouting groups, the International Red Cross and other organizations hold special first aid courses for young people where you can learn how to help someone who is choking, drowning, bleeding, or in a dangerous situation.
¥ Electrical sockets and appliances must be protected. Special plugs can be bought for insertion into main sockets so that small children will not be able to stick things into them and electrocute themselves. Never use electrical appliances such a hairdryers and radios where they could fall into the water or someone might splash water on them, such as in the bathroom, next to the baby's bath or near a swimming pool!
¥ Keep sharp and dangerous objects out of children's reach. Small toys or game parts should not be left where babies can pick them up and swallow or choke on them.
¥ If you must baby-sit or watch a younger brother or sister, use your common sense and keep your mind on what you are doing. Toddlers have drowned in the bath in just a few minutes while their older brother or sister left the bathroom to get something, and became distracted by something exciting on TV! Always test the temperature of the bath water with your elbow or inner arm before putting a baby into it; it should feel nice and warm.
DON'T TAKE RISKS; IT IS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY.
The previous article is reprinted by permission from The Miracle of Life: a Guide on Islamic Family Life and Sex Education for Young People, by Fatima M. D'Oyen, 1996, pp. 39-40.
by Fatima M. D'Oyen
It requires a lot of patience to take care of an active young child. Children are naturally curious; babies commonly put things in their mouths to test whether or not they are good to eat, and toddlers may put small objects into their nose or ears! Everyone in the family should by aware of safety rules. Every home with an infant or young child should be childproofed, which means that all dangerous items should be out of the child's reach.
Here are some good points to remember:
¥ Children should not be left in the car, or at home alone until they are old enough to take care of themselves in an emergency. Babies and young children must be supervised at all times. Even one-day-old babies have been known to roll themselves off tables. It only takes a few seconds for a disaster to happen!
¥ Keep medicines and poisons safely locked away out of the reach of young children. Special stickers can be bought from the chemist to put on bottles of medicine and poisons. They let children know with pictures and symbols that what is inside the bottle is not good to eat or drink. Cleaning liquids, paints, powders and dangerous chemicals should not be stored inside old food or drink containers.
¥ Keep the number of the doctor, hospital and emergency services near the telephone in case of a serious accident. Every home should have basic first aid supplies on hand; milk, charcoal tablets and syrup of ipecac are especially important since they may be needed at a moment's notice in order to treat accidental poisoning. Keep in mind that the doctor will need to know exactly what the child has swallowed in the case of poisoning, so that he can quickly decide on the best treatment.
¥ Try to learn a few basic rules of first aid - it might save the life of someone you love! Scouting groups, the International Red Cross and other organizations hold special first aid courses for young people where you can learn how to help someone who is choking, drowning, bleeding, or in a dangerous situation.
¥ Electrical sockets and appliances must be protected. Special plugs can be bought for insertion into main sockets so that small children will not be able to stick things into them and electrocute themselves. Never use electrical appliances such a hairdryers and radios where they could fall into the water or someone might splash water on them, such as in the bathroom, next to the baby's bath or near a swimming pool!
¥ Keep sharp and dangerous objects out of children's reach. Small toys or game parts should not be left where babies can pick them up and swallow or choke on them.
¥ If you must baby-sit or watch a younger brother or sister, use your common sense and keep your mind on what you are doing. Toddlers have drowned in the bath in just a few minutes while their older brother or sister left the bathroom to get something, and became distracted by something exciting on TV! Always test the temperature of the bath water with your elbow or inner arm before putting a baby into it; it should feel nice and warm.
DON'T TAKE RISKS; IT IS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY.
The previous article is reprinted by permission from The Miracle of Life: a Guide on Islamic Family Life and Sex Education for Young People, by Fatima M. D'Oyen, 1996, pp. 39-40.
Nurturing Through Breast Feeding
Nurturing Through Breast Feeding
by Mildred M. El-Amin
"We have enjoined on man kindness to his parents: In pain did his mother bear him, and in pain did she give him birth. The carrying of the (child) to his weaning is (a period of) thirty months. At length, when he reach the age of full strength and attains forty years, he says, 'O my Lord! Grant me that I may be grateful for Thy favor which thou hast bestowed upon me, and upon both my parents....'"
Holy Quran 46:15
Family Life Question: "Breast feeding our new baby will be a new experience for me, and I'm concerned about providing an adequate amount of milk. What are some helpful things to know?"
Dear New Mother:
It is from the breast that "the milk of human kindness" literally flows. Human milk contains thousands of nutrients, some of which are not found anywhere else in nature. It is very specific in its design for the optimum growth and development of the human infant.
Breast feeding is a part of the continuation of life, that is evolving in the manner Allah has ordained. Breast feeding is natural. We have abandoned many of the beautiful natural things that Allah has given to us that would assure the sanctity of human life. We need guidance to adhere to the more natural ways of life that are in accordance with Allah's universal order. "There is no moving creature on earth but its sustenance dependeth on Allah." (Quran 11:6)
Not only are the physical qualities of breast milk best, the emotional and spiritual bonding that takes place between mother and child is immeasurably vital to life. Breast feeding encourages bonding for the entire family. Allah has given the woman the role of nurturer of life, the role of providing the warmth, comfort, security and compassion that sets life on the best course.
There are many herbal remedies for breast feeding mothers. More than 30 herbs are considered to promote healthy milk producing. Nutritionists advise the widely know herb, fenugreek. Dr. Mohammed El-Shatet of Fouad University in Cairo, Egypt, reports in Mothering magazine (July-Sept. 1988) that fenugreek could increase breast milk production by as much as 900 percent. Mothers who had experienced their babies failing to gain weight found that infants thrived when they began drinking fenugreek tea. Even adoptive mothers have been able to produce milk for their babies after drinking this tea regularly. (3)
The effectiveness of an herbal remedy is dependent upon its preparation. Healing qualities are increased when herbs are grown in a kitchen garden with loving care and without pesticides and herbicides. There are natural pros and cons to using herbs while breast feeding: herbs may flavor milk; some herbs that affect the infant and are as potent as pharmaceutical products; herbal remedies may alter the composition of milk; herbs can influence the quantity of milk. When there is any room for concern, consult a nutritionist and always consult your caring physician.
Breast feeding is one way that Allah has given us as mothers to nurture life and through it, Allah wants us to feed our young ones the physical, emotional and spiritual food vital to life. Studies have revealed that "African" youth who are breastfed and carried about on the mother's back as she goes about through the day are among the youth with the highest intelligence levels in the world.
Kabongo, a Kikiyu chief in Africa, spoke these beautiful words about his mother when he was eighty years old: "My early years are connected in my mind with my mother. At first she was always there; I can remember the comforting feeling of her body as she carried me on her back and the smell of her skin in the hot sun. Everything came from her," as related in Touching the Human Significance of the Skin by Ashley Montagu. (4)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
REFERENCES:
3. "Herbal Remedies For The Breast feeding Mother, " Mothering, No. 48 (Summer 1988), p.69.
4. Ashley Montagu, TOUCHING The Human Significance of the Skin, (Harper and Row Publishers, 1978), p. 75.
The previous article is reprinted from Family Roots: The Quranic View of Family Life, by Mildred M. El-Amin, 1991, pp. 109-111, 219, 220.
by Mildred M. El-Amin
"We have enjoined on man kindness to his parents: In pain did his mother bear him, and in pain did she give him birth. The carrying of the (child) to his weaning is (a period of) thirty months. At length, when he reach the age of full strength and attains forty years, he says, 'O my Lord! Grant me that I may be grateful for Thy favor which thou hast bestowed upon me, and upon both my parents....'"
Holy Quran 46:15
Family Life Question: "Breast feeding our new baby will be a new experience for me, and I'm concerned about providing an adequate amount of milk. What are some helpful things to know?"
Dear New Mother:
It is from the breast that "the milk of human kindness" literally flows. Human milk contains thousands of nutrients, some of which are not found anywhere else in nature. It is very specific in its design for the optimum growth and development of the human infant.
Breast feeding is a part of the continuation of life, that is evolving in the manner Allah has ordained. Breast feeding is natural. We have abandoned many of the beautiful natural things that Allah has given to us that would assure the sanctity of human life. We need guidance to adhere to the more natural ways of life that are in accordance with Allah's universal order. "There is no moving creature on earth but its sustenance dependeth on Allah." (Quran 11:6)
Not only are the physical qualities of breast milk best, the emotional and spiritual bonding that takes place between mother and child is immeasurably vital to life. Breast feeding encourages bonding for the entire family. Allah has given the woman the role of nurturer of life, the role of providing the warmth, comfort, security and compassion that sets life on the best course.
There are many herbal remedies for breast feeding mothers. More than 30 herbs are considered to promote healthy milk producing. Nutritionists advise the widely know herb, fenugreek. Dr. Mohammed El-Shatet of Fouad University in Cairo, Egypt, reports in Mothering magazine (July-Sept. 1988) that fenugreek could increase breast milk production by as much as 900 percent. Mothers who had experienced their babies failing to gain weight found that infants thrived when they began drinking fenugreek tea. Even adoptive mothers have been able to produce milk for their babies after drinking this tea regularly. (3)
The effectiveness of an herbal remedy is dependent upon its preparation. Healing qualities are increased when herbs are grown in a kitchen garden with loving care and without pesticides and herbicides. There are natural pros and cons to using herbs while breast feeding: herbs may flavor milk; some herbs that affect the infant and are as potent as pharmaceutical products; herbal remedies may alter the composition of milk; herbs can influence the quantity of milk. When there is any room for concern, consult a nutritionist and always consult your caring physician.
Breast feeding is one way that Allah has given us as mothers to nurture life and through it, Allah wants us to feed our young ones the physical, emotional and spiritual food vital to life. Studies have revealed that "African" youth who are breastfed and carried about on the mother's back as she goes about through the day are among the youth with the highest intelligence levels in the world.
Kabongo, a Kikiyu chief in Africa, spoke these beautiful words about his mother when he was eighty years old: "My early years are connected in my mind with my mother. At first she was always there; I can remember the comforting feeling of her body as she carried me on her back and the smell of her skin in the hot sun. Everything came from her," as related in Touching the Human Significance of the Skin by Ashley Montagu. (4)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
REFERENCES:
3. "Herbal Remedies For The Breast feeding Mother, " Mothering, No. 48 (Summer 1988), p.69.
4. Ashley Montagu, TOUCHING The Human Significance of the Skin, (Harper and Row Publishers, 1978), p. 75.
The previous article is reprinted from Family Roots: The Quranic View of Family Life, by Mildred M. El-Amin, 1991, pp. 109-111, 219, 220.
Tarbiyah During the Middle Years
Tarbiyah During the Middle Years
By Dr. Aisha Hamdan
In the final article of this series (see the articles page for the other parts), we address the unique aspects of tarbiyah during the period of middle childhood (7 to 12 years).
It is important to consider the cognitive changes that take place at the beginning of this stage and throughout because these form the foundation for the techniques that will be used.
Consider the differences in the cognitive ability, language, and understanding of a 3-year-old versus those of a 7-year-old. Within a matter of a few years there are dramatic changes in these areas that reflect Allah's plan, subhanahu wa ta'ala, in creation. During middle childhood, a marked improvement occurs in selective attention which means that children are better able to concentrate on the particular task that they are engaged in and ignore surrounding distractions. Children develop the ability to understand logical principles which is evident in their seeking explanations that are rational, generalizable, and consistent. Logical thinking is crucial to understanding, acquiring knowledge, and communicating clearly with others. This makes it the most important factor in cognitive development during this stage. Cognitive improvements are also apparent in memory capacity and strategies, processing speed and capacity, and knowledge base. This means that children are better able to remember events and information, to think faster and about several things at one time, and to learn more quickly. With an expanded knowledge base (body of knowledge or skills in a particular area), it is easier to learn new information because it can be integrated with what is already known. In relation to language, these new abilities make it easier to acquire new vocabulary, understand grammatical constructions, and use language appropriately in everyday situations. Overall, children who consistently apply these skills are better equipped to analyze problems, derive correct solutions, and truly understand the world around them. This opens up a whole new range of possibilities in terms of tarbiyah and parenting.
Yusuf is an 8 year-old who enjoys teasing his younger sisters and he does this on a fairly regular basis. His sisters obviously become very upset and report his behavior to their parents. Yusuf finds enjoyment in the reaction of his sisters and the attention that he receives from his parents. As a parent, what would you do in this situation?
Teach, Teach, Teach:
"Invite (all) to the Way of thy Lord with wisdom and beautiful preaching. . ." [16:125]. Life is an unending lesson; we continue to learn until the day we die or lose the ability to comprehend. As children develop the intellectual and cognitive abilities to understand concepts, it becomes imperative for parents to teach them what is acceptable behavior and what is unacceptable. Much of this teaching can be completed through our examples and by verbal instruction. The actions, words, gestures, and even silences of Prophet Muhammad, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, can be our best guide during these times. If we have instilled a love of the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, in our children from a young age, they will have a strong desire to emulate him. As parents we should also follow the Prophet's example as we guide and instruct.
Ibn abi Salamah reported, "I was a boy under the guardianship of the Messenger of Allah, and my hand used to wander around the dish (while I was eating). Then the Messenger of Allah said to me, 'O boy, mention (the name of) Allah and eat with your right hand, and eat from what is closest to you.' Thereafter I did not lapse from this way of eating." (Bukhari). The lessons from this Hadeeth are two, one for ourselves and one for our children. As parents, we can see the method that the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, used to teach the young Sahabah, he merely instructed him in the correct method for eating and most likely demonstrated an appropriate model as well. For children, it can be seen that the Sahabah very eagerly accepted the advice and wisdom of the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, and immediately made the necessary changes in behavior. There was no hesitation, doubt, or questioning.
Regarding the example above, it would be appropriate to instruct Yusuf that it is not acceptable to tease his sisters and to utilize examples from the Qur'an and Ahadeeth.
"O you who believe! Let not some men among you laugh at others. . . Nor defame nor be sarcastic to each other, nor call each other by (offensive) nicknames. . ." [49:11]
The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said,
"A believer does not taunt, curse, abuse, or talk indecently." (Tirmithi).
Lately, Yunus has been very disrespectful to his parents by disobeying them, refusing to respond when they ask questions, and even yelling at them on occasions. He has been upset by the rules that his parents have established in the house and doesn't feel that he needs to follow them. What would you do?
Obedience to Parents:
"Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them but address them in terms of honor. And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say, My Lord bestow on them Your mercy even as they cherished me in childhood. Your Lord knows best what is in your hearts." [17:23-25].
It was stated by Abu Hurairah that a man asked, "O Messenger of Allah, who has the greatest right of good company and kind treatment from me?" He replied, "Your mother." The man asked, "who next?" He replied, "Your mother." The man asked, "then, who next?" He replied, "Your mother." The man asked, "who next?" He replied, "Your father." (Agreed upon).
The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said,
"The pleasure of the Lord is in the pleasure of the father and the displeasure of the Lord is in the displeasure of the father." (Tirmithi).
Children should not be led to assume that disobedience to parents is a simple matter. In several places in the Qur'an and Ahadeeth obedience to parents is placed second in importance to the concept of Tawheed, the belief in and worship of the One, True God. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said three times, "Shall I inform you about the greatest of the major sins?" They said, "Yes, O Messenger of Allah." He said, "To join others in worship with Allah and to be undutiful to parents,..." (Bukhari). Once children realize this essential element of the Deen, it will be less likely that they will want to disappoint their parents or to show disrespect to them. Ultimately, this shows disrespect and disobedience to Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala.
Ten-year-old Sameerah likes to pray and go to the mosque with her family. She also likes to fast because her school friends do. Her parents have encouraged her to give some of the money that she has saved to those in need, but she had planned on using it to buy a new book. As a parent, how would you encourage Sameerah to share her money?
The Goal of Pleasing Allah:
It is at this time in a child's life that more of the concepts of Islam can begin to be taught in greater detail. Young children may know the name of Allah and his attributes and be happy to say them, but they cannot really comprehend the idea of an Omnipotent, All-Encompassing God that takes care of them and loves them. As they mature, children will begin to understand this and realize the importance of their relationship with this Unseen Creator. It is necessary as parents to teach them about the significance of pleasing Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, in all that they do. This is, in fact, the goal of Islam, which is submission to Allah's plan and guidance. It should also be emphasized that doing this is to their benefit as well because it is through this obedience that they receive Allah's grace and blessings. Connected with this are the rewards that are obtained from Allah for good behavior and the final, ultimate reward in the Hereafter.
"He that doeth good shall have ten times as much to his credit; he that doeth evil shall only be recompensed according to his evil. No wrong shall be done unto them." [6:160].
It is critical to teach these principles to our children because they should be a guide and a light throughout a person's lifetime. When a child misbehaves, he or she can be reminded about these ideas and simply asked whether Allah would be pleased with that type of behavior. Mindfulness and thikr of Allah and the Hereafter can and should be inculcated in children beginning at a very young age.
The mind of a child is an amazing thing. It is another one of the awesome wonders in Allah's creation. As it grows and matures, a world of opportunities opens up for teaching, inspiring, and sharing. Middle childhood is a challenging, yet exciting time during which the essence of Islam should be cultivated. It should not be a time of confrontation and disagreement, but one of valuable and ongoing tarbiyah. Parents should enjoy and relish these moments because the task of parenting will soon be over and it will seem as if it had only been a day or part of a day.
"He will say, 'What number of years did you stay on earth?' They will say, 'We stayed a day or part of a day'." [23:112-113].
By following Allah's guidance it will be a successful day!!!
By Dr. Aisha Hamdan
In the final article of this series (see the articles page for the other parts), we address the unique aspects of tarbiyah during the period of middle childhood (7 to 12 years).
It is important to consider the cognitive changes that take place at the beginning of this stage and throughout because these form the foundation for the techniques that will be used.
Consider the differences in the cognitive ability, language, and understanding of a 3-year-old versus those of a 7-year-old. Within a matter of a few years there are dramatic changes in these areas that reflect Allah's plan, subhanahu wa ta'ala, in creation. During middle childhood, a marked improvement occurs in selective attention which means that children are better able to concentrate on the particular task that they are engaged in and ignore surrounding distractions. Children develop the ability to understand logical principles which is evident in their seeking explanations that are rational, generalizable, and consistent. Logical thinking is crucial to understanding, acquiring knowledge, and communicating clearly with others. This makes it the most important factor in cognitive development during this stage. Cognitive improvements are also apparent in memory capacity and strategies, processing speed and capacity, and knowledge base. This means that children are better able to remember events and information, to think faster and about several things at one time, and to learn more quickly. With an expanded knowledge base (body of knowledge or skills in a particular area), it is easier to learn new information because it can be integrated with what is already known. In relation to language, these new abilities make it easier to acquire new vocabulary, understand grammatical constructions, and use language appropriately in everyday situations. Overall, children who consistently apply these skills are better equipped to analyze problems, derive correct solutions, and truly understand the world around them. This opens up a whole new range of possibilities in terms of tarbiyah and parenting.
Yusuf is an 8 year-old who enjoys teasing his younger sisters and he does this on a fairly regular basis. His sisters obviously become very upset and report his behavior to their parents. Yusuf finds enjoyment in the reaction of his sisters and the attention that he receives from his parents. As a parent, what would you do in this situation?
Teach, Teach, Teach:
"Invite (all) to the Way of thy Lord with wisdom and beautiful preaching. . ." [16:125]. Life is an unending lesson; we continue to learn until the day we die or lose the ability to comprehend. As children develop the intellectual and cognitive abilities to understand concepts, it becomes imperative for parents to teach them what is acceptable behavior and what is unacceptable. Much of this teaching can be completed through our examples and by verbal instruction. The actions, words, gestures, and even silences of Prophet Muhammad, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, can be our best guide during these times. If we have instilled a love of the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, in our children from a young age, they will have a strong desire to emulate him. As parents we should also follow the Prophet's example as we guide and instruct.
Ibn abi Salamah reported, "I was a boy under the guardianship of the Messenger of Allah, and my hand used to wander around the dish (while I was eating). Then the Messenger of Allah said to me, 'O boy, mention (the name of) Allah and eat with your right hand, and eat from what is closest to you.' Thereafter I did not lapse from this way of eating." (Bukhari). The lessons from this Hadeeth are two, one for ourselves and one for our children. As parents, we can see the method that the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, used to teach the young Sahabah, he merely instructed him in the correct method for eating and most likely demonstrated an appropriate model as well. For children, it can be seen that the Sahabah very eagerly accepted the advice and wisdom of the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, and immediately made the necessary changes in behavior. There was no hesitation, doubt, or questioning.
Regarding the example above, it would be appropriate to instruct Yusuf that it is not acceptable to tease his sisters and to utilize examples from the Qur'an and Ahadeeth.
"O you who believe! Let not some men among you laugh at others. . . Nor defame nor be sarcastic to each other, nor call each other by (offensive) nicknames. . ." [49:11]
The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said,
"A believer does not taunt, curse, abuse, or talk indecently." (Tirmithi).
Lately, Yunus has been very disrespectful to his parents by disobeying them, refusing to respond when they ask questions, and even yelling at them on occasions. He has been upset by the rules that his parents have established in the house and doesn't feel that he needs to follow them. What would you do?
Obedience to Parents:
"Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them but address them in terms of honor. And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say, My Lord bestow on them Your mercy even as they cherished me in childhood. Your Lord knows best what is in your hearts." [17:23-25].
It was stated by Abu Hurairah that a man asked, "O Messenger of Allah, who has the greatest right of good company and kind treatment from me?" He replied, "Your mother." The man asked, "who next?" He replied, "Your mother." The man asked, "then, who next?" He replied, "Your mother." The man asked, "who next?" He replied, "Your father." (Agreed upon).
The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said,
"The pleasure of the Lord is in the pleasure of the father and the displeasure of the Lord is in the displeasure of the father." (Tirmithi).
Children should not be led to assume that disobedience to parents is a simple matter. In several places in the Qur'an and Ahadeeth obedience to parents is placed second in importance to the concept of Tawheed, the belief in and worship of the One, True God. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said three times, "Shall I inform you about the greatest of the major sins?" They said, "Yes, O Messenger of Allah." He said, "To join others in worship with Allah and to be undutiful to parents,..." (Bukhari). Once children realize this essential element of the Deen, it will be less likely that they will want to disappoint their parents or to show disrespect to them. Ultimately, this shows disrespect and disobedience to Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala.
Ten-year-old Sameerah likes to pray and go to the mosque with her family. She also likes to fast because her school friends do. Her parents have encouraged her to give some of the money that she has saved to those in need, but she had planned on using it to buy a new book. As a parent, how would you encourage Sameerah to share her money?
The Goal of Pleasing Allah:
It is at this time in a child's life that more of the concepts of Islam can begin to be taught in greater detail. Young children may know the name of Allah and his attributes and be happy to say them, but they cannot really comprehend the idea of an Omnipotent, All-Encompassing God that takes care of them and loves them. As they mature, children will begin to understand this and realize the importance of their relationship with this Unseen Creator. It is necessary as parents to teach them about the significance of pleasing Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, in all that they do. This is, in fact, the goal of Islam, which is submission to Allah's plan and guidance. It should also be emphasized that doing this is to their benefit as well because it is through this obedience that they receive Allah's grace and blessings. Connected with this are the rewards that are obtained from Allah for good behavior and the final, ultimate reward in the Hereafter.
"He that doeth good shall have ten times as much to his credit; he that doeth evil shall only be recompensed according to his evil. No wrong shall be done unto them." [6:160].
It is critical to teach these principles to our children because they should be a guide and a light throughout a person's lifetime. When a child misbehaves, he or she can be reminded about these ideas and simply asked whether Allah would be pleased with that type of behavior. Mindfulness and thikr of Allah and the Hereafter can and should be inculcated in children beginning at a very young age.
The mind of a child is an amazing thing. It is another one of the awesome wonders in Allah's creation. As it grows and matures, a world of opportunities opens up for teaching, inspiring, and sharing. Middle childhood is a challenging, yet exciting time during which the essence of Islam should be cultivated. It should not be a time of confrontation and disagreement, but one of valuable and ongoing tarbiyah. Parents should enjoy and relish these moments because the task of parenting will soon be over and it will seem as if it had only been a day or part of a day.
"He will say, 'What number of years did you stay on earth?' They will say, 'We stayed a day or part of a day'." [23:112-113].
By following Allah's guidance it will be a successful day!!!
Tuesday, 22 February 2011
Pointers on Choosing Marriage Partners
Pointers on Choosing Marriage Partners
by
Miss Syed
In light of the experience of the past years, it is time to take stock and try to halt the ever-mounting tide of divorces among Muslims. It is not unusual today to find Muslim women (and even an occasional Muslim man) who, by the time they are 30 or 35, have been married three or four times, their children suffering again and again through the trauma of fatherless and broken homes. Accordingly, we may list a few essential points to be considered by both brothers and sisters in the process of choosing a partner in life (although the masculine pronoun has been used throughout for the sake of simplicity, the following is generally equally applicable to both men and women).
1. Du'a. Unceasingly ask help and guidance from Allah, Most High, in the matter of finding and choosing a mate. As often as you feel it necessary, pray Salaah al-Istikhara, Islam's special prayer for guidance, in order to reach a suitable decision.
2. Consult your heart. Listen to what your inner voice, the 'radar' which Allah has given you to guide you, tells you about the prospective partner. It is likely to be more correct than your mind, which often plays tricks and can rationalise almost anything. For many people, first impressions are often the most accurate.
3. Enquire. Find out the reason why this man wants to marry you. Is he interested in you as an individual or will just any person do? Why is he not doing the logical thing, that is, to marry someone from his culture? If there is evidence that the primary reason for this marriage, despite claims to the contrary, is for convenience (greencard, money, property, etc.), forget it. This spells trouble.
4. Get to know your prospective partner, within the limits of what is permissible in Islam, before deciding on marriage. Just ' seeing' someone once or twice in the company of others, who may be anxious for this marriage to take place, is simply not enough under today's conditions, where two per- sons of totally dissimilar backgrounds are meeting each other without the safeguards of families. Without violating Islam's prohibition about being alone, try to understand his nature, what makes him tick, his temperament, what he might be like to live with.
5. Talk to several people who know your prospective partner, not just one, or have someone whom you can trust do this for you. Ask about him from various people, not just from his friends because they may conceal facts.
by
Miss Syed
In light of the experience of the past years, it is time to take stock and try to halt the ever-mounting tide of divorces among Muslims. It is not unusual today to find Muslim women (and even an occasional Muslim man) who, by the time they are 30 or 35, have been married three or four times, their children suffering again and again through the trauma of fatherless and broken homes. Accordingly, we may list a few essential points to be considered by both brothers and sisters in the process of choosing a partner in life (although the masculine pronoun has been used throughout for the sake of simplicity, the following is generally equally applicable to both men and women).
1. Du'a. Unceasingly ask help and guidance from Allah, Most High, in the matter of finding and choosing a mate. As often as you feel it necessary, pray Salaah al-Istikhara, Islam's special prayer for guidance, in order to reach a suitable decision.
2. Consult your heart. Listen to what your inner voice, the 'radar' which Allah has given you to guide you, tells you about the prospective partner. It is likely to be more correct than your mind, which often plays tricks and can rationalise almost anything. For many people, first impressions are often the most accurate.
3. Enquire. Find out the reason why this man wants to marry you. Is he interested in you as an individual or will just any person do? Why is he not doing the logical thing, that is, to marry someone from his culture? If there is evidence that the primary reason for this marriage, despite claims to the contrary, is for convenience (greencard, money, property, etc.), forget it. This spells trouble.
4. Get to know your prospective partner, within the limits of what is permissible in Islam, before deciding on marriage. Just ' seeing' someone once or twice in the company of others, who may be anxious for this marriage to take place, is simply not enough under today's conditions, where two per- sons of totally dissimilar backgrounds are meeting each other without the safeguards of families. Without violating Islam's prohibition about being alone, try to understand his nature, what makes him tick, his temperament, what he might be like to live with.
5. Talk to several people who know your prospective partner, not just one, or have someone whom you can trust do this for you. Ask about him from various people, not just from his friends because they may conceal facts.
Monday, 21 February 2011
Sex Roles in Muslim Families in the U.S.
Sex Roles in Muslim Families in the U.S.
by Mahmoud Abu Saud
The first half of this article is a highly scientific analysis of gender and sex roles. In the second half, the article uses the scientific discussion as a springboard to explain gender and sex roles within the Muslim family.
ORIGIN OF THE FAMILY : BIOLOGICAL FACTOR
Unless sex education addresses "values, morality, deferment of gratification, and goals, it is incomplete and potentially dangerous."
Donald Ian Macdonald.
An Approach to the Prevention of
Teenage Pregnancy,
Public Health Report,
July/August 1987
Sociologists give different definitions of the family institution to which we shall refer later. However, and for the purpose of this essay, we shall consider that the basic biological coupling of a male and a female is an essential element to constitute a family, as homosexuality does not exist in nature.
THE CELL
Biologically speaking, all living things are made of just two kinds of cells: eukaryotes and prokaryotes. The first ones are those cells which have nuclei and multiply by mating or marriage. The second, the prokaryotes, are those which have no nuclei and accordingly are unicellular, multiplying by division. Each cell has its hereditary traits and carries its information in DNA (deoxyribonucleic acid). ". . . two extremely long strands of it, wrapped around each other in a double helix."' It is of fascinating interest to know that only the eukaryotes are "capable of making up the bodies of the marvels of creation-those with hearts, lungs, kidneys and brains.112 The prokaryotes are parasitic by nature and are deadly enemies of the eukaryotes who eat them up or destroy them with their enzymatic secretions. Human organisms are no more than the sum of their cells functioning together.
Sex, a word for the exchange of genetic material, requires two organisms to come together and reproduce. Though there are some organisms that can reproduce without sex, such as some bacteria, their progeny are doomed to be identical to the parent without variation or susceptibility to evolution. Evolution needs genetic variety which can only be realized by means of ever new combinations of genes of heterosexual cells-the eukaryotes.
Before exploring the functioning of cells as constituents of human males and females, it is of great interest to know that cells themselves are the product of atoms. Atoms follow an eternal strict code of behavior as if they had some sort of consciousness that brings them together in a highly organized manner. They form molecules in extraordinarily geometric forms; molecules make "tissues that become the organs that inexorably build the organism.. Every molecule has its own distinct properties by virtue of the atoms that make it up and... life has its properties by virtue of the molecule used in constructing living organisms."113 All living organisms, including bacteria, must use nucleic acid organized into genes for reproduction. The genes are the true carriers of all hereditary traits and properties of the offspring.
Such established elementary knowledge reveals some basic facts of life that concern us in this study. The first fact is that prokaryotes-the unicellular organisms-are parasitic and destructive. They are not capable of evolution and do not constitute any part of our functioning organisms.
The second is that eukaryotes cannot continue to exist without marriage as they multiply by means of coupling. Their union is the basis of evolution to the better through a process of natural selection. They are endowed with a gift to choose the fittest from among themselves and thus genetically improve.
The third is that all molecules belong in their first origin to the atom, which by virtue of its nature does not exist without union. The components of the atom: the protons, the neutrons, and the electrons are likewise bound to unite.
Thus, marriage is simply a law of existence, an inherent property ingrained in our cells and constitution without which we cannot continue to live or evolve. In each cellular marriage there must be the male and the female, or the positive which gives in mating to the negative which takes. In the world of the cell, which is our world, everything goes on progressing in meticulous order. Order defines the cell as the cell defines life- "Before there was life, there had to be a system... there has to be order. . . it is life... Death is disorder."
HUMAN BIOLOGY
Much has been discovered about the cell, its composition, its functioning and its reproduction yet nobody has been able to guess how the first cell came into being. The eukaryotes, as mentioned before, are highly organized and highly specialized cells that build our body and, in fact, bring us into life. Every cell is composed of several layers above layers of molecules separated by membranes, and in its middle there is the nucleus ringed by double membrane. The nucleus holds the genes-the ultimate dictators of the cell-wound into the coils of chromosomes.
Humans reproduce through the union of a male and a female cell, exactly as any other offspring is reproduced. When fertilization (union or mating) takes place, a new cell is formed and the sex, together with the physical structure, including the brain, are determined by the genes united in the new cell. Both males and females have the same basis of a chromosome (X). But from the very beginning, if this basis is coupled with one (X) chromosome or more, the offspring is a female. If the basis is coupled with one chromosome (Y) or more, it is a male.
Once the new cell is "born," it starts functioning on its own, activated by its inherent power administered by the new set of genes, and is called, in this early stage, a zygote. Soon after inception, male embryos secrete a predominant hormone called androgen, while female ones secrete estrogen, and later on the female hormones: the progesterone and the prolactin. The growth of the embryo, whether male or female, follows the same laws of growth: the reproduction of the specialized cells continues building up our different organs, without any deviation except for hormonal secretions. By the time the child is born, he or she has already been influenced by the most active hormones which affect the functioning of the brain.
The human brain is one of the greatest wonders of creation. In its lower part, there is a small zone called the "limbic system," composed of structures which are involved in both human emotion and motivation. One of these structures, named amygdala, is among the major brain parts responsible for our behavior, as it affects some endocrinal secretions, especially those touching upon our sexual dispositions. Moreover, "the cortex also feeds it (the limbic system) with condensed indications of cortical activity, including categorized representations of the state of the external world. It appraises and evaluates the activities of (the upper brain -system)... and balances current priorities with regard to short term and long-term needs of the organism and the selection and evaluation of different integrative activities."
It is well-established that the structure called "hypothalamus" of the limbic system is prenatally formed and becomes indelibly 'sex-typed' through the action of sex-hormones, thereby permanently pre-disposing the animal to male or female physiological and behavioral responses. In most animals this critical period of hormone action is thought to occur prenatally and thereafter be immutable. "This irrevocable hormonal sex- typing of the nervous system has the most far-reaching implications for sex differences in human behavior."This means that from the earliest days of conception the new fertilized cell or zygote our brain starts its formation, disposition and mode of functioning.
When born, an infant carries within himself or herself its own particular way of thinking, imagination, motivation and manner of evaluation. Even among individuals of the same sex, there are genetic inherent differences due to the differences in the rates of flow of hormones into the brain. Chromosome (Y) is responsible for the male hormones androgen, which are associated with what the psychologists call the "aggressive" tendency, meaning that type of behavior which is generally characterized by a direct and overt reaction, competitive acumen, and long-term evaluation and perception. The term implies, also some final and actual aggressive action which, unless well disciplined, would cause destructive consequences. As a matter of biological fact, such hormones in a male embryo rely on a hormone called "gonadal" which accounts for the behavioral differences between the two sexes and which is thought to influence the behavioral decisions issued by the brain.
In the female, sex hormones are responsible for the menstrual flow which is directly regulated by the key female hormones: estrogen and progesterone. Less secretion of these hormones causes menstruation usually accompanied by a state of discomfort, inhibition, and often gloomy attitudes. It is believed that the hormonal input in this case affects the functioning of the brain of the female, inhibiting or reviving her emotional state. Biologists emphasize the fact that the natural disposition in human is to a female system (X) unless broken by the male chromosome (Y) causing production of the male hormone: androgen.
Aggression - as previously defined - is the product of the testestrone hormone, androgen, a hormone that exists in the supra-renal glands of both sexes but, of course, in widely varied quantities. Aggression in women is mostly due to an overdose of this hormone, unless the woman is suffering from some societal trauma. A violently aggressive man is like- wise greatly motivated by an extra dose of androgen. If such a man is given estrogen, he would calm down in most cases and develop a new more docile behavior. In transsexuality, the individual who chooses to become a female undergoes surgical intervention and female hormone therapy without which femininity cannot take its usual course. Hormones, in such circumstances, are necessary to build up the breast, to stimulate sexual desires, to eliminate profuse facial and body hair, etc. Once the new female is given such hormonal treatment, her limbic system functions accordingly: The maternal instinct becomes greatly felt, the desire for talking more becomes more persistent, the feminine emotionality supersedes rationality, and the lachrymatal glands secrete more profuse tears during emotional stress. Nothing, perhaps, can be more convincing of the biological dichotomy than maternity. Weitz writes, "Animal evidence does support the concept of the maternal instinct, in that female sex hormones such as estrogen, progesterone and prolactin seem to be implicated in the ontogeny of maternal behavior." The same author relates the experiment of the monkey-mother who killed its newly born babies when given androgen and the motherly monkey-father who cared for the babies after receiving female hormones. Nowhere in the animal kingdom do fathers assume the basic role of caring for the newly born offspring.
A female child is born with a maternal instinct: she distinctly feels a strong interest in children and this explains why girls prefer to play with dolls. It has been established that girls with an excess of prenatal androgen "do seem to show less interest in infants than normal girls," and obviously more than normal boys. The maternity behavior is mainly characterized by tenderness, affective bonds, self-preservation, protectiveness, and self-identification with the child.
To conclude, one can safely say that, "Sexual behavior of an individual, and thus gender role, are not neutral and without initial direction at birth. Nevertheless, sexual predisposition is only a potentiality setting limits to a pattern that is greatly modifiable by ontogenetic experience."
In other words, the ontogeny (i.e. the biological development of the individual organism) asserts that a female is born with a maternal instinct carrying genetic predispositions different from those of a male. It is of interest to note that there is differential treatment of children by parents according to their sex. Mothers are more inclined to tolerate boys and girls, while fathers are more tolerant towards girls than towards boys. This phenomenon prevails among humans and some primates and is quite conspicuous among monkeys.
SOCIALIZATION FACTORS
"Conspiracy theories of history, which seem to imply that men have kept women down over the centuries through some collective act of will, do not merit serious consideration." There is no doubt that our physiological functioning is affected by our psychological and societal conditions and that biology, psychology and society have contributed to the present sex roles in their different grades and limits. It is rather impossible to separate the biological factor from the societal. Yet, one has to take into serious consideration that there is a definite predisposition in each sex that takes place in the embryo and the fetus. This prenatal conditioning cannot be due to any societal agent, but most probably can be a major cause of societal differential treatment of the sexes. When parents give a doll to their daughter, they are aware of her instinctive motherly feeling and they are responding to her instinctive desires. Instinctive urges can be mollified, re-oriented and mitigated, but never nullified or totally wiped out. To suppress such urges is to cause more harm than good to the individual and to ignore them is to push the child in a wrong way where he or she tries to fulfill the desires by any means, legitimate or illegitimate, socially acceptable or unacceptable.
Socialization agents, namely: the parents, the school, the peers and the social symbols of the sexes, are supposed to be, and in fact should be, factors of disciplining the instinctive behavior. Our basic sexual desires should be satisfied by marriage and not by adultery and fornication. Our instinctive need for security should be met by honorable work and lawful gain and not by theft and violence. Even our innate instinct implanted in the eukaryotes for evolving to the better must be encouraged through a proper education leading to a feeling of self-esteem and elation. Failing this, the individual would resort to unhealthy and even anti-social practices to feel the importance of his ego he or she may develop the bad habits of lying, boasting, or even killing. Any infringement upon instincts is a violation of a natural law of life that conduces to masochism, narcissism, schizophrenia and the rest of the psychotic ailments.
The family has a lasting effect on sex roles as most of the individual's latent behavior is basically formulated in the first seven or eight years of childhood. The major role of parents relates to the child's identification where affective bonds, mechanism of modeling and cognitive categorization should be carefully observed. Here the question generally raised by the "libs" is whether parents should or should not differentiate in their treatment between males and females. Many of them believe that they should not heed the sex and thus should treat both the boy and the girl as if they were of the same sex. They allege that any differentiation at this early stage leads to some category of inferiority complex in the girl and to a bias in favor of the boy. There is enough evidence in everyday life that supports such allegations. However, any fair mind can easily see that it is not the differentiation, per se, that causes such inhibition in the girl, if only because differentiation occurs in families which have girls and no boys. Every individual child is different from others and should accordingly be treated differently. What hurts a child is the way parents associate differentiation with sex. If a doll is given to a grid it is not because she is inferior to a boy who was presented with a horse or a gun. Girls would only suffer inhibition and inferiority if the parents treat them as inferior, or if when differentiating between both of them, parents explain the act in preferential language.
Another important factor in socialization is the school infants in nurseries, children in kindergarten and boys and girls in higher age brackets are treated differently in one way or another, in accordance with their sex. In pictures for the very young, in all books and prints, there is always a "he" and a "she." He is tough, daring, exterior-oriented, and somehow aggressive, while she is kind, caring, child-loving, interior oriented, and somehow self preservative. Then, there are the great differentiation in students' activities: the boys compete in physically rough and hard sports, participate in political and social discussions, and are expected to excel girls in empirical sciences. On the other hand, girls practice dancing and singing, fight and non-violent sports, domestic arts, and are expected to excel boys in artistic sciences.
Here again differentiation is undeniably conspicuous and while it is in essence compatible with human biology, it is condemned by the "libs." Their plea is always the same: such treatment leads to the development of a feeling of inferiority in the female. It indoctrinates the subconscious mind of the girl with a view to convince her of the conspired falsehood, i.e., the superiority of the male. The "libs" believe that keeping the "traditional roles" of sexes in the school gives an edge to the boy over the girl: he is depicted as the hero, the protector, the leader and even the mastery. This seems to be an exaggeration which has its roots in feminine emotion. In many cases, the slave-mind prevails over the "libs" and is manifested in irrational and perverted behavior.
The staunchest proponent of liberalism cannot deny that the male is created with more muscular strength, that biologically speaking, he is more "aggressive '" that his mind is more outwardly inclined, and that he is more free from physiological cyclical effects. The female is created with other exceliencies anti-distinctions by virtue of her constitution. Her motherhood instincts, her feminine tenderness and her physiologically receptive aptitude for procreation. These clear facts should induce us to accept, at least, such differentiation that confirm anti correspond with the distinct natural characteristics of each sex. It follows that there must be differentiation in all schools to respond to these basic biological divergent requirements.
The so-called peer group effects and the symbolic agents of sex roles are very akin to each other, especially among adults. Clubs of men and women, the distinction in public behavior and the discriminatory treatment of the sexes in many public and social functions do exist in all present societies. One has to admit that some of this differentiation is due to societal factors and/or obsolete inherited tradition. But one cannot also deny that there are genuine irrefutable reasons for differentiation in this field. Despite the equal opportunities open to both sexes in education and public life, women have been active in fields that do not require much "aggressiveness," and where there is a concurrence of biological effect and societal functioning. In such activities there is no reason whatsoever for a woman not to succeed and even excel any man.
SOCIALIZATION VERSUS BIOLOGY
There is evidence that socialization factors, when carried out extensively at an early age, affect the biological functioning of the child. That is how we notice the 'sissy' boy and the 'tomboyish' girl. Also, oversecretion of female hormones in a male would produce the same effect, despite any socialization effort to the contrary. In both cases, the situation becomes unhealthy and the individual suffers from some perversion and could develop trans-sexualism. The correct attitude is obvious: we have to adapt our socialization processes in such a manner that they correspond to our biological functioning. The indelible male and female characteristics installed in our limbic systems as a result of the prenatal hormonal secretions must be the basis of our socialization process. There must be harmony between the act of creation (natural state) and the willful human action. Failing this, a grave imbalance takes place, shaking the personality of the individual to its very roots. Thus, the "libs" claim for identical treatment of males and females in every domain denies the biological constitution of the human mind and body and nullifies masculinity and femininity. Homosexuality, which at present is assuming some prominence in industrialized Western societies, is the product of lopsided thinking and is bound to fail. It is a revolt against the law of creation and will not be allowed to prevail, whatever price humanity may pay for it.
A female must be brought up in a manner that makes her feel proud of her femininity and not ashamed of it. She must be treated with equity but she must not be equated to the male. They are different and can never be equals, as each of them has a domain predestined from his or her conception.
STRUCTURE AND FUNCTION OF THE FAMILY
We have seen that there is no continuity of life without marriage-a union between male and female -a nd that life is order. Death is entropy or disorder. In Cadmure's words: "Life is mainly to reproduce and to feel." The marriage of cells which constitute our body, brain, and nerves is a highly organized "institution" administered by sophisticated laws and geared by strict discipline. Humans are no more than their cells, and the rule of order and discipline is the essence of their existence. Any violation of this rule is a step towards entropy or self-destruction.
As we live, we reproduce - we marry. Humans learn to live in heterogeneous couples and reproduce within a certain orderly social framework called the "family institution." The word "social" here is not a mere fabrication by man. It is necessarily biological in the sense that one human cell cannot alienate itself from other similar cells. Whenever a group of cells (families) comes together, the necessity for order and discipline becomes incumbent. Hence those who believe that there should be-or even could be-a society of human cells (families) without rules administering the relationships between its individuals, are asking for the impossible, the anti-natural. Such a chaotic grouping does not exist in nature.
Oparin, a Russian biologist, proved that if a collection of molecules (he calls them coacervates) is given a chance to act, they have order. He set a chemical reaction in the solution where these coacervates were floating and found that they formed an inexplicable and unpredicted order: heads outward and tails inward. There was a mystifying difference between the rate of reaction outside and inside the coacervates. According to Oparin, "This difference accounts for the formation of the cell."
Sociologically speaking, a family is operationally defined as "...a special kind of structure whose principals are related to one another through blood ties and/or marital relationships, and whose relatedness is of such a nature as to entail 'mutual expectations' that are prescribed by religion, reinforced by law, and internalized by the individual." This definition takes into account the general aspect of any family and the Islamic point of view. Dr. Abd al-Ati, accordingly specifies the purposes of marriage as:
-a means of emotional and sexual gratification,
-a mechanism of tension reduction,
-a means of legitimate procreation,
-social placement,
-an approach to inter-family alliance and group solidarity, and
-above all, an act of piety.
Both above definitions and purposes are quite elaborate and comprise many views about the functions of the family. Nevertheless, there is the intricate cause and effect relationship between the family and society.
The culture of any society comprises many traditions installed in its individuals' minds and which are passed on from one generation to another. As man is conservative by instinct, he does not try to change such traditions except under the great pressure of evolutionary requirements. This perpetual struggle between the two instincts: conservatism and evolution plays an important role in delimiting the functions of the family institution in every society. Both instincts are dynamic and must be kept in good balance for any sane society to develop. Traditions constitute a part of the established ideology of a people, whilst evolution is the active element that steers the present status towards a future one, and as such, it formulates another part of the ideology. Amidst this continuous process the family exists, caught between the two parts. The family is there to conserve what is best and most appropriate in tradition, and to adopt and practice what is best and most appropriate in the new evolution.
To apply the above philosophy, functions, and definitions to the Muslim family in the States, we come immediately to a host of variegated and intertwined problems. Islam is integral and Muslims are supposed to adopt it in its entirety. "Believe ye in part of the Scripture and disbelieve ye in part thereof? And what is the reward of those who do so save ignominy in the life of this world, and on the Day of Resurrection they will be consigned to the most grievous doom." (2:85)
Accordingly, they are required to apply Islamic laws concerning all matrimonial matters. Yet, being residents in a non-Muslim country which does not follow the Islamic Shariah, they are bound to meet with a complex of contradictory situations. Such complication is exacerbated by the lack of consolidated Muslim communities and the absence of any Islamic order that could help solve their problems.
To start with, there is the problem of the marriage contract. Muslims who intend to live here for a protracted length of time or forever are obliged to register their marriage in accordance with the laws of the state in which they wed. Once this is done, the rights and obligations of both spouses are defined by what these laws stipulate and not by Islamic injunctions. This applies, in fact, to all subsequent familial issues. The husband's financial obligation towards his wife and household, the wife's duties towards her husband and household, and the social code which should be observed by both-all these important issues become subject to local American jurisprudence. In case of divorce, it is again the state laws that adjudge the final separation act irrespective of the Islamic injunctions.
Another important issue that affects the Muslim family in the States is the economic status. In many cases, both spouses are obliged to work and gain more income to make ends meet and to save something as a security for the future. This economic aspect is very common to most American families and is taken for granted by them, with its good and bad effects. It does not constitute a major problem to them as it is consistent with their material civilization and ideology. Westerners have developed a certain philosophy of life in regard to the status of women as a result of their past heritage and present industrialized societies. It is common knowledge that Athenians treated women as a commodity which could be bought and sold. The Romans considered women to be the property of the father and/or the husband until the days of Justinian (5th century) when some separate identity of women was legally acknowledged. Judaism looks down upon women as a curse worse than death and considers them essentially evil. The Christian views on women varied from considering them to be living beings without souls to humans without identity. The British law until 1801 allowed the husband to sell his wife. The list of historical abuses of women in the West is too long to be enumerated in this paper.
It is only very recently that non-Muslim societies agreed to give women some independent status. Even today, the renowned liberal American wife cannot buy property without the consent of her husband nor is she allowed to stick to her maiden name without adding that of her husbands. In Switzerland, she cannot enter into any contractual transaction without her husband's written consent, and if she earns any money from her work, he is legally entitled to half her income. All over the West, the husband can deprive his wife of his legacy after death.
No wonder, then, we hear women claiming "equality" with man and justice in treatment. The present culture, predominantly influenced by the economic or materialistic agent, gave justice, equality and liberation a material implications pecuniary value. In their industrial age where money is power, where rich is good and poor is bad, where dog eat dog are accepted premises of individuals' interrelations, and where moral values have been dumped into the garbage bin, women are contending for economic independence as a basis for their claim for equal human rights.
To achieve this end, they did not mind the commercialization of their femininity, the loss of their chastity, the destruction of their family and the perturbation of their emotions. This yearning for liberation pushed the Western woman into deep waters. Her desire for independence dragged her into competition and aggression, and her pride alienated her from the affectionate society. In her solitude, she accepted permissiveness and along with her struggle for survival, she nurtured bitterness and rancor. In the midst of her secular preoccupation, she suppressed her spiritual values and trod on her motherly instincts.
The American concept of family and marriage has undergone radical change in the last few decades. Originally, as Edward Westermack puts it, "Marriage is rooted in the family and not the family in marriage." The family in turn was the foundation of society. Hence, the regulation of all family relations was considered a necessity called for by two fundamental exigencies: wholesome human procreation and preservation of society.
The modern industrial culture upset the past norm of family life and greatly changed the purposes of marriage. New opportunities of material gain were opened to married and unmarried. Women making them eco- nomically independent from their husbands and male providers. The women's emancipation movement accordingly declared that there was no more reason for tolerating subjugation to the male and cultivated the eccentric tendencies against the traditional functioning and sex-roles in the family. "The woman's new freedom has greatly increased sexual opportunity outside marriage, supported by contraception and abortion." The main purpose of marriage has become to satiate the desires of the couple, or what the libs call to achieve individual fulfillment and to ascertain the spouse's identity. The new concept has become tantamount to fulfilling the "desire of each other's need for individual happiness" and "the development of man-woman relationship." This, according to them, would lead to giving the wife the same status as the husband without differentiation or discrimination. Thus, a new concept of marriage rooted in the family had to be developed, and four substitutes are being practiced in modem societies:
1. Serial monogamy, where a series of marriages take place one after the other. This is what prevails in the United States at present where divorce occurs in 40% of marriages and where 75% of the divorced remarry. There are some modernists who suggest the "bypass of divorce by requiring renewal or cancellation of all marriage contracts at three year intervals."
2. Open marriage, where the exclusivity of husband-wife (sexually and otherwise) is eliminated. Those who advocate this category of marriage practice "wife swapping" or "swinging." They claim that extramarital experiences would reduce jealousy, relieve tensions and ease the pressures of personal conflict.
3. Polygamy and group marriage, where an association of husbands and wives and their children mix together without restriction or constraint. The claim here is that multiplicity of parenthood for adults and children would offer a wider variety of interactive experiences in meeting individual needs.
4. Homosexuality, where women "marry" women and men "marry" men without the usual conflict which is inevitable in every new normal marriage.
All such approaches can never succeed in creating a happy family because they ignore the biological and the spiritual elements. Humans cannot survive without a society and no society can survive without the family. As individuals, "to live is to love and to love is to live," as Havelock Ellis puts it. Serial monogamy, open marriage, group marriage and homosexuality lack the premodial basics of the family. Humans are the only species where the offspring needs parental catering for a relatively long period after birth, not only physically but emotionally as well.
The new frustrated efforts, as reflected in the modern abnormal family life do not unite man and woman in a bond where both enjoy material and emotional security, stability and contentment. They do not cure the ailments created by the prevailing technological culture: alienation, loneliness, anomie, lack of love, and anxiety. "Search any average human being and you soon find evidence of heart-hunger for closeness and intimacy and the shared life as the only dependable sources of a sustained sense of self-esteem and of personal worth."
The women's emancipation movement in this country is revolting against long-standing inequitable treatment, against a biased, unjust legal system and a domineering economic exploitation. In their revolt, and in the absence of any effective religious or moral guidance, women have gone to the extreme which has brought down on them the misery of "civilized prostitution and adultery."
Such are the circumstances of the culture under which a Muslim family lives in this country. It would be a gross mistake to assume that Muslims will not be affected by the American way of life, the American materialistic values and American laws. Hence, the complex of problems of Muslim families start. If we add to the above anomalies the problems arising from the educational systems and its repercussions on the youngsters and adults, we could better understand the vast dimension of the Muslim dilemma. An example of this confusion is the so-to-speak highly educated Muslim wife who believes that it is her legitimate right to invite any male friend into the home, even in the absence of her husband, to accept an invitation in another city or another country without his permission, or the right to choose hard work in a locality other than where he lives. It is not a rare case to come across a Muslim woman who believes that she has the right to work as she has spent long years qualifying herself in a certain profession. In most cases, she would be motivated by her desire to material gain, especially when she can have some fulfillment out of the social activities in her professional domain. Such wives are deeply influenced by the American materialistic mentality and would claim the best of two worlds: to keep her job and to claim her Islamic right to be sustained by her husband.
The problems of children born in Muslim families are well known to all and have been repeatedly discussed by Muslim sociologists and thinkers in numerous conventions and symposia. They revolve on the cold fact that the American environment and culture affect the Muslim child's mentality and code of ethical values. When both parents are working, the child does not get enough care and domestic orientation to protect him against anti-Islamic practices. More serious a menace is the loss of the child's Islamic identity and his relatedness to a Muslim community. But these children's problems are mainly derived from the principal family problems which, if solved, would automatically bring relief to the chil- dren's ordeal.
THE ISLAMIC SOLUTION- BIOLOGY AND SOCIALIZATION
There is nothing more compatible with human nature than Islamic teachings and injunctions, if only because they take the individual as a fallible being, subject to trial and error and subject to correction and evolution. "On no soul does Allah place a burden greater than it can bear." (2:286)
It gets every good that it earns, and it suffers every ill that it earns. As we are concerned here with the Muslim family, it is natural that whatever solution we may suggest, it must be in accordance with Islam. Luckily enough, Islam decides upon every issue, taking human nature in consideration and exhorting us to abide by the eternal laws of creation.
Empirical sciences have discovered many facts concerning our biological structure and physiological functioning, but there are still many more of life's secrets to be uncovered. There is not one single established scientific fact that runs contrary to any Islamic injunction; but there are many postulates, ideas and theories that may be incompatible with Islamic teachings. Under such uncertain conditions, the Muslim is supposed to follow the Islamic rules irrespective of the scientific dubious points of view and his personal desires.
Regarding the traditions and cultures that affect our socialization, we must bear in mind that these are the product of certain practiced ideals and established ideas prevailing at one time in a certain society. This is an extremely important element in the Islamic syndrome of solutions to societal problems. Islam is a philosophy that defines the purpose of human life, the relation between man, nature, and the Creator. It is a doctrine that sets up the broad outlines of the social, political, economic and esthetic systems which should be applied in our daily transactions and intercourse. Such philosophical definitions and doctrinal delineations are confined to the basic facts which do not evolve or change in accordance with the continuous human evolution. Facts are absolute and are not subject to change, otherwise they are neither facts nor absolute.
Whatever solutions we find in Islam, they are based on such absolute facts whether known to our contemporary scientists or unknown to them. The entire concept of the family and roles of its members is a part of the general concept of the Islamic society. Let us bear in mind that marriage is dictated by our biological needs and is a part of the indispensable human society and not just a matter of individual option. "And of everything we have created pairs." (51:49).
The word 'zawj' is used in the Quran as meaning a pair or a mate. Both words connote marriage. "Do they not look at the earth, how many pairs of noble things we have produced therein?" (31:10). Even in Paradise, the Quran informs us that we shall have mates (see 2:25, 4:57). Allah created humans from one soul, which could be the first cell. From this soul He created the male and the female. The story of creating Eve (the first female) from a rib of Adam (the first male) is not mentioned in the Quran. "And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from yourselves that ye may find rest (and peace) in them." (30:2 1). "O mankind, heed (in reverence) your Lord Who created you from a single soul, and from it created its mate, and from them both spread a multitude of men and women." (4:1).
Our Prophet orders us to get married as soon as we can. The family is the nucleus of the Islamic society and marriage is the only way to bring about such an institution. Extra-marital relations are categorically condemned and prohibited. "Nor come nigh to adultery (or fornication) for it is a shameful deed and an evil, opening the road to other evils." (17:30).
It is only logical that Islam set up the rules to regulate the functioning of the family whereby both spouses can find peace, love, security and relatedness. The elements are necessary to accomplish the greatest purpose of marriage: the worship of Allah. By worship it is not only meant the performance of rituals, but it essentially implies righteousness in all transactional behavior. Every good deed, every service to humanity, every useful productive effort, and even every good word are a part of a true Muslim worship of his Allah. If both husband and wife observe this main purpose, this cardinal purpose of their union, they would easily learn how to help each other achieve this goal which is greater than themselves. They would learn how to tolerate each other, how to love Allah in themselves and in other beings, and how to overcome their difficulties and their shortcomings.
The second purpose of marriage is to respond to the basic biological instinct of procreation. Children are the realization of motherhood and fatherhood. Islam is particular in providing the most possible wholesome atmosphere for bringing up the offspring. To give birth to children and neglect them is a crime towards society, the children, and the parents themselves. The child who is deprived of the ample love of his or her parents, who is not properly tutored at an early age, and who is left to babysitters and nurseries will develop many anti-social behavioral patterns and may end up with crime, perversion and corruption. Such a child may never find his or her identity as he or she could have felt it in a systematic manner during his or her childhood. Without a family life, governed by Islamic order and discipline, how can we expect a child to have the Muslim conscience and the Islamic value of righteousness.
Islam prescribes clear rights and obligations on parents and their descendent Parents are legally responsible for the education and maintenance of their children. These, by turn, are legally responsible for accommodating and maintaining their parents, if they so require, in their old age. Both parents and children inherit from each other according to a prescribed and accurate law of inheritance specified in the Quran. Neither of them can deprive the other of their respective shares in the legacy. This is only part of the long family code in Islam. What is of import here is the husband-wife relationship-their sex roles-within the context of Islamic comprehension: "And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may find rest (and peace) in them. And He has put love and mercy between your (hearts); Verily in this are signs for those who reflect." (30:21).
Despite the importance of these moral values: rest, peace, love and mercy, Islam did not stop there. It bolstered its original concept of the family by defining the roles of man and woman in such a manner that each should act in accordance with his or her biological merits. The man, with his aggression, is charged with what is called the instrumental functions: maintenance, protection, dealings with the outworldly matters and leadership within the family. The woman is entrusted with caring for and rearing the children, organizing the home, and creating the loving atmosphere inside. Let us be clear from the beginning that in an Islamic society the wife is not expected to be pushed to work to gain money. Even the unmarried, the divorcee, and the widow are guaranteed, by law, an income that helps them lead a reasonably comfortable life. Work or trade are not prohibited to women. Yet, they are not recommended to undertake such activities unless there is a justification for them and without prejudice to their husband's rights. Once the woman gets married, she accepts the Islamic ruling on the functioning of the family. Her role becomes mainly to achieve the welfare of her household and to look after the internal family affairs. If she wants to work, she is bound to ask the explicit approval of her husband. However, if she has her own property or fortune, and if she opts to run or invest such wealth, she is entitled to do so without her husband's permission, but provided this does not infringe upon her marital obligations.
THE ISLAMIC FAMILY
In Islam, as in biology, there is no family without marriage, and there is no marriage without rules and discipline. The family in Islam is a unit in which two independent persons unite and share life together. The husband's dignity is an integral part of his wife's dignity. Accordingly, neither of them is better than the other. To unite and share, there must be mutual love and compassion-a genuine feeling which unless translated into action and behavior would be mere illusion and futile emotion. One can hardly accept the claim of love of the spouse who does not care for his or her sick partner or who does not share the family responsibilities.
This fundamental basis, if well understood and observed, makes the first loyalty of both spouses to their family which is supposed to serve Allah in piety as the main purpose of marriage. It implies that they act as if they were one person with many organs. The head of the human is not better than the heart, and the hand is not better than the foot. If the man is charged with the duty of leadership and maintenance, he is not better than the woman who is assigned the duty of keeping the household, even if the first duty is more difficult and perhaps more significant. Imam Muhammad Abduh emphasizes this point as vital for the right understanding of the sex roles of spouses. He adds that the Quranic verse, "And in no wise covet those things in which Allah hath bestowed His gifts more freely on some of you than on others; to men is allotted what they earn, and to women what they earn" (4:32) does not imply that every man is better than every woman or vice versa. According to him, each sex, in general, has some preferential advantage over the other, though men have a degree over women.
There has been much controversy about this 'degree'. Some interpret it as the delegation of leadership, surveillance and maintenance which are bestowed on men. Others say that it is the tolerance with which men must treat their wives. A third view is that it is men's natural gift for judging matters and managing external problems. However, the consensus is that this 'degree' comprises the principle of 'guardianship' or 'qiwamah'.
Imam Abduh in the course of interpreting the preceding Quranic verse, stated that qiwamah or guardianship has four elements: protection, surveillance, custody and maintenance. Dr. Abd al-Ati considered the element of obedience over and above the aforementioned four elements- the most important indication of qiwamah. Obedience, to him, and in accordance to the Quran and Traditions comprises the following:
1. She must not receive male, strangers or accept gifts from them without his permission. Nor must she lend or dispose of any of his possessions without his approval,
2. The husband has the legal right to restrict her freedom of movement and prevent her from leaving her home without his permission. She must comply with this right unless there is a necessity or legitimate advantage for her to do otherwise. However, it is his religious obligation to be compassionate so as to relax his right to restrict her freedom of movement. If there arises a conflict between this right of his and wife's parents' right to visit and be visited by their daughter, his right prevails.
Yet it is religiously recommended that he be considerate enough to waive his right and avoid estrangement within his conjugal family or between any member of this family and close relatives, e.g. the wife's parents.
3. A refractory wife has no legal right to object to the husband's exercise of his disciplining authority. Islamic law, in common with most other systems of law, recognizes the husband's right to discipline his wife for disobedience.
4. The wife may not legally object to the husband's right to take another wife or to exercise his right of divorce. The marital contract establishes her implicit consent to these rights. However, if she wishes to restrict his freedom in this regard or to have similar rights, she is legally allowed to do so. She may stipulate in the marital agreement that she too, will have the right to divorce, or that she will keep the marriage bond only so long as she remains the only wife; should he take a second wife, the first will have the right to seek a divorce in accordance with the marriage agreement.
5. Finally, if the husband insists on patrilocality or neolocality, the wife Must Comply."
CONCLUSION
The problems facing Muslim families living in the States can be dealt with in compliance with Islamic teachings and principles once we accept them as binding. If the spouses are really devout, they will have no difficulty in encountering the evils of the Western culture and in escaping the anti-Islamic societal factors that may run contrary to Islam. The guidelines as we see them would be:
1. The main purpose of marriage is to live in piety and to serve the Islamic Cause. The wife has the right to discontinue working whenever she pleases. The husband may allow the wife to work with the condition that her gain belongs to the family and not be considered as her personal property.
2. Household: When the wife is not employed, the household becomes her first occupation. By household it is meant the rearing of the children and all domestic services required for maintaining a clean and comfortable habitation. The Prophet (PBUH) said, "Cleanliness is a part of faith." Motherhood is highly appraised in Islam and is the most elated value second to the worship of Allah.
MARRIAGE, DISPUTES AND DIVORCE
Marriage: Muslims should marry according to Islamic traditions and rules. The marriage will have to be registered with the State in which they wed in order to give it a legal force. This legal procedure subjects the marriage contract to the jurisdiction of American laws which, in most cases, contradict many Islamic rulings. However, such contradiction does not happen unless there is a dispute that both spouses fail to solve in accordance with the Shariah.
Disputes: These are expected to arise in all matrimonial relations. Muslim abiding spouses must learn how to compromise and tolerate each other. Their guide is the teaching of their religion and their good example is their Prophet. However, in case they fail to solve their own problems, they have to resort to arbitration. The spouse who refuses this Quranic injunction or who defies the other partner taking shelter under the umbrella of American laws is failing in his or her religious commitment. The Quranic arbitration is meant to be binding on both spouses and would, indeed, relieve the Muslim family of most of its problems.
Divorce: If one to the spouses refuses arbitration, non-Islamic divorce is bound to take place, leaving a deep painful scar on both of them. Arbitration may end in divorce, but in this case it would be least harmful as both would feel more content when Shariah is justly applied.
It is a pity that many recalcitrant (nashiz) Muslim women think that American law would serve their interest more than the Islamic Law. This is not only wrong but the consequences of litigation generally leaves more ill feeling than should be.
ENVIRONMENT AND CHILDREN
Nobody can deny the impact of environment upon adults and children. Up until now, one can safely say that Muslims of America could not constitute any physical or moral community comparable to that of the Jews or the Chinese. Granted that there are some groupings in scattered localities and spiritual guidance from different sources, yet there is no community that could respond to many basic needs. The family must live in a society, and unless an Islamic community is created, the Muslim family will have no alternative but to merge in a non-Muslim one.
The danger is so imminent that it forms the major part of the family problems in the United States. Both adults and children are influenced by American values and traditions, and by American behavior and manners. There is no escape from this "assimilation" except by strengthening the family bonds and by steadfast observation of Islamic teachings. The husband must lead here by strict adherence to Islamic ways of life and by requiring the same from his wife.
Such are the sex-roles in Islam and the main problems facing Muslim families in the United States and, indeed, in all non-Muslim countries. The solutions mentioned above entirely depend upon the faith of the spouses and their earnest desire to live up to their religion. Allah, according to the Holy Quran, has made men in charge of their wives, has ordered them to maintain and protect them and has ordered women to obey their husbands and guard their secrets (see 4:34, 35). As for those spouses who claim the right to twist the meanings of Quranic texts so as to suit their personal desires, and those who try to subject Islam to non-Islamic laws are sick in their hearts and are transgressors. Most probably, such persons would not like to read this essay, though we pray to Allah to guide them to the right way: "Say: This is my Way: I call on Allah with sure knowledge and (so does) whosoever follows me - glory be to Allah! and I am not of the idolaters" (12:108).
by Mahmoud Abu Saud
The first half of this article is a highly scientific analysis of gender and sex roles. In the second half, the article uses the scientific discussion as a springboard to explain gender and sex roles within the Muslim family.
ORIGIN OF THE FAMILY : BIOLOGICAL FACTOR
Unless sex education addresses "values, morality, deferment of gratification, and goals, it is incomplete and potentially dangerous."
Donald Ian Macdonald.
An Approach to the Prevention of
Teenage Pregnancy,
Public Health Report,
July/August 1987
Sociologists give different definitions of the family institution to which we shall refer later. However, and for the purpose of this essay, we shall consider that the basic biological coupling of a male and a female is an essential element to constitute a family, as homosexuality does not exist in nature.
THE CELL
Biologically speaking, all living things are made of just two kinds of cells: eukaryotes and prokaryotes. The first ones are those cells which have nuclei and multiply by mating or marriage. The second, the prokaryotes, are those which have no nuclei and accordingly are unicellular, multiplying by division. Each cell has its hereditary traits and carries its information in DNA (deoxyribonucleic acid). ". . . two extremely long strands of it, wrapped around each other in a double helix."' It is of fascinating interest to know that only the eukaryotes are "capable of making up the bodies of the marvels of creation-those with hearts, lungs, kidneys and brains.112 The prokaryotes are parasitic by nature and are deadly enemies of the eukaryotes who eat them up or destroy them with their enzymatic secretions. Human organisms are no more than the sum of their cells functioning together.
Sex, a word for the exchange of genetic material, requires two organisms to come together and reproduce. Though there are some organisms that can reproduce without sex, such as some bacteria, their progeny are doomed to be identical to the parent without variation or susceptibility to evolution. Evolution needs genetic variety which can only be realized by means of ever new combinations of genes of heterosexual cells-the eukaryotes.
Before exploring the functioning of cells as constituents of human males and females, it is of great interest to know that cells themselves are the product of atoms. Atoms follow an eternal strict code of behavior as if they had some sort of consciousness that brings them together in a highly organized manner. They form molecules in extraordinarily geometric forms; molecules make "tissues that become the organs that inexorably build the organism.. Every molecule has its own distinct properties by virtue of the atoms that make it up and... life has its properties by virtue of the molecule used in constructing living organisms."113 All living organisms, including bacteria, must use nucleic acid organized into genes for reproduction. The genes are the true carriers of all hereditary traits and properties of the offspring.
Such established elementary knowledge reveals some basic facts of life that concern us in this study. The first fact is that prokaryotes-the unicellular organisms-are parasitic and destructive. They are not capable of evolution and do not constitute any part of our functioning organisms.
The second is that eukaryotes cannot continue to exist without marriage as they multiply by means of coupling. Their union is the basis of evolution to the better through a process of natural selection. They are endowed with a gift to choose the fittest from among themselves and thus genetically improve.
The third is that all molecules belong in their first origin to the atom, which by virtue of its nature does not exist without union. The components of the atom: the protons, the neutrons, and the electrons are likewise bound to unite.
Thus, marriage is simply a law of existence, an inherent property ingrained in our cells and constitution without which we cannot continue to live or evolve. In each cellular marriage there must be the male and the female, or the positive which gives in mating to the negative which takes. In the world of the cell, which is our world, everything goes on progressing in meticulous order. Order defines the cell as the cell defines life- "Before there was life, there had to be a system... there has to be order. . . it is life... Death is disorder."
HUMAN BIOLOGY
Much has been discovered about the cell, its composition, its functioning and its reproduction yet nobody has been able to guess how the first cell came into being. The eukaryotes, as mentioned before, are highly organized and highly specialized cells that build our body and, in fact, bring us into life. Every cell is composed of several layers above layers of molecules separated by membranes, and in its middle there is the nucleus ringed by double membrane. The nucleus holds the genes-the ultimate dictators of the cell-wound into the coils of chromosomes.
Humans reproduce through the union of a male and a female cell, exactly as any other offspring is reproduced. When fertilization (union or mating) takes place, a new cell is formed and the sex, together with the physical structure, including the brain, are determined by the genes united in the new cell. Both males and females have the same basis of a chromosome (X). But from the very beginning, if this basis is coupled with one (X) chromosome or more, the offspring is a female. If the basis is coupled with one chromosome (Y) or more, it is a male.
Once the new cell is "born," it starts functioning on its own, activated by its inherent power administered by the new set of genes, and is called, in this early stage, a zygote. Soon after inception, male embryos secrete a predominant hormone called androgen, while female ones secrete estrogen, and later on the female hormones: the progesterone and the prolactin. The growth of the embryo, whether male or female, follows the same laws of growth: the reproduction of the specialized cells continues building up our different organs, without any deviation except for hormonal secretions. By the time the child is born, he or she has already been influenced by the most active hormones which affect the functioning of the brain.
The human brain is one of the greatest wonders of creation. In its lower part, there is a small zone called the "limbic system," composed of structures which are involved in both human emotion and motivation. One of these structures, named amygdala, is among the major brain parts responsible for our behavior, as it affects some endocrinal secretions, especially those touching upon our sexual dispositions. Moreover, "the cortex also feeds it (the limbic system) with condensed indications of cortical activity, including categorized representations of the state of the external world. It appraises and evaluates the activities of (the upper brain -system)... and balances current priorities with regard to short term and long-term needs of the organism and the selection and evaluation of different integrative activities."
It is well-established that the structure called "hypothalamus" of the limbic system is prenatally formed and becomes indelibly 'sex-typed' through the action of sex-hormones, thereby permanently pre-disposing the animal to male or female physiological and behavioral responses. In most animals this critical period of hormone action is thought to occur prenatally and thereafter be immutable. "This irrevocable hormonal sex- typing of the nervous system has the most far-reaching implications for sex differences in human behavior."This means that from the earliest days of conception the new fertilized cell or zygote our brain starts its formation, disposition and mode of functioning.
When born, an infant carries within himself or herself its own particular way of thinking, imagination, motivation and manner of evaluation. Even among individuals of the same sex, there are genetic inherent differences due to the differences in the rates of flow of hormones into the brain. Chromosome (Y) is responsible for the male hormones androgen, which are associated with what the psychologists call the "aggressive" tendency, meaning that type of behavior which is generally characterized by a direct and overt reaction, competitive acumen, and long-term evaluation and perception. The term implies, also some final and actual aggressive action which, unless well disciplined, would cause destructive consequences. As a matter of biological fact, such hormones in a male embryo rely on a hormone called "gonadal" which accounts for the behavioral differences between the two sexes and which is thought to influence the behavioral decisions issued by the brain.
In the female, sex hormones are responsible for the menstrual flow which is directly regulated by the key female hormones: estrogen and progesterone. Less secretion of these hormones causes menstruation usually accompanied by a state of discomfort, inhibition, and often gloomy attitudes. It is believed that the hormonal input in this case affects the functioning of the brain of the female, inhibiting or reviving her emotional state. Biologists emphasize the fact that the natural disposition in human is to a female system (X) unless broken by the male chromosome (Y) causing production of the male hormone: androgen.
Aggression - as previously defined - is the product of the testestrone hormone, androgen, a hormone that exists in the supra-renal glands of both sexes but, of course, in widely varied quantities. Aggression in women is mostly due to an overdose of this hormone, unless the woman is suffering from some societal trauma. A violently aggressive man is like- wise greatly motivated by an extra dose of androgen. If such a man is given estrogen, he would calm down in most cases and develop a new more docile behavior. In transsexuality, the individual who chooses to become a female undergoes surgical intervention and female hormone therapy without which femininity cannot take its usual course. Hormones, in such circumstances, are necessary to build up the breast, to stimulate sexual desires, to eliminate profuse facial and body hair, etc. Once the new female is given such hormonal treatment, her limbic system functions accordingly: The maternal instinct becomes greatly felt, the desire for talking more becomes more persistent, the feminine emotionality supersedes rationality, and the lachrymatal glands secrete more profuse tears during emotional stress. Nothing, perhaps, can be more convincing of the biological dichotomy than maternity. Weitz writes, "Animal evidence does support the concept of the maternal instinct, in that female sex hormones such as estrogen, progesterone and prolactin seem to be implicated in the ontogeny of maternal behavior." The same author relates the experiment of the monkey-mother who killed its newly born babies when given androgen and the motherly monkey-father who cared for the babies after receiving female hormones. Nowhere in the animal kingdom do fathers assume the basic role of caring for the newly born offspring.
A female child is born with a maternal instinct: she distinctly feels a strong interest in children and this explains why girls prefer to play with dolls. It has been established that girls with an excess of prenatal androgen "do seem to show less interest in infants than normal girls," and obviously more than normal boys. The maternity behavior is mainly characterized by tenderness, affective bonds, self-preservation, protectiveness, and self-identification with the child.
To conclude, one can safely say that, "Sexual behavior of an individual, and thus gender role, are not neutral and without initial direction at birth. Nevertheless, sexual predisposition is only a potentiality setting limits to a pattern that is greatly modifiable by ontogenetic experience."
In other words, the ontogeny (i.e. the biological development of the individual organism) asserts that a female is born with a maternal instinct carrying genetic predispositions different from those of a male. It is of interest to note that there is differential treatment of children by parents according to their sex. Mothers are more inclined to tolerate boys and girls, while fathers are more tolerant towards girls than towards boys. This phenomenon prevails among humans and some primates and is quite conspicuous among monkeys.
SOCIALIZATION FACTORS
"Conspiracy theories of history, which seem to imply that men have kept women down over the centuries through some collective act of will, do not merit serious consideration." There is no doubt that our physiological functioning is affected by our psychological and societal conditions and that biology, psychology and society have contributed to the present sex roles in their different grades and limits. It is rather impossible to separate the biological factor from the societal. Yet, one has to take into serious consideration that there is a definite predisposition in each sex that takes place in the embryo and the fetus. This prenatal conditioning cannot be due to any societal agent, but most probably can be a major cause of societal differential treatment of the sexes. When parents give a doll to their daughter, they are aware of her instinctive motherly feeling and they are responding to her instinctive desires. Instinctive urges can be mollified, re-oriented and mitigated, but never nullified or totally wiped out. To suppress such urges is to cause more harm than good to the individual and to ignore them is to push the child in a wrong way where he or she tries to fulfill the desires by any means, legitimate or illegitimate, socially acceptable or unacceptable.
Socialization agents, namely: the parents, the school, the peers and the social symbols of the sexes, are supposed to be, and in fact should be, factors of disciplining the instinctive behavior. Our basic sexual desires should be satisfied by marriage and not by adultery and fornication. Our instinctive need for security should be met by honorable work and lawful gain and not by theft and violence. Even our innate instinct implanted in the eukaryotes for evolving to the better must be encouraged through a proper education leading to a feeling of self-esteem and elation. Failing this, the individual would resort to unhealthy and even anti-social practices to feel the importance of his ego he or she may develop the bad habits of lying, boasting, or even killing. Any infringement upon instincts is a violation of a natural law of life that conduces to masochism, narcissism, schizophrenia and the rest of the psychotic ailments.
The family has a lasting effect on sex roles as most of the individual's latent behavior is basically formulated in the first seven or eight years of childhood. The major role of parents relates to the child's identification where affective bonds, mechanism of modeling and cognitive categorization should be carefully observed. Here the question generally raised by the "libs" is whether parents should or should not differentiate in their treatment between males and females. Many of them believe that they should not heed the sex and thus should treat both the boy and the girl as if they were of the same sex. They allege that any differentiation at this early stage leads to some category of inferiority complex in the girl and to a bias in favor of the boy. There is enough evidence in everyday life that supports such allegations. However, any fair mind can easily see that it is not the differentiation, per se, that causes such inhibition in the girl, if only because differentiation occurs in families which have girls and no boys. Every individual child is different from others and should accordingly be treated differently. What hurts a child is the way parents associate differentiation with sex. If a doll is given to a grid it is not because she is inferior to a boy who was presented with a horse or a gun. Girls would only suffer inhibition and inferiority if the parents treat them as inferior, or if when differentiating between both of them, parents explain the act in preferential language.
Another important factor in socialization is the school infants in nurseries, children in kindergarten and boys and girls in higher age brackets are treated differently in one way or another, in accordance with their sex. In pictures for the very young, in all books and prints, there is always a "he" and a "she." He is tough, daring, exterior-oriented, and somehow aggressive, while she is kind, caring, child-loving, interior oriented, and somehow self preservative. Then, there are the great differentiation in students' activities: the boys compete in physically rough and hard sports, participate in political and social discussions, and are expected to excel girls in empirical sciences. On the other hand, girls practice dancing and singing, fight and non-violent sports, domestic arts, and are expected to excel boys in artistic sciences.
Here again differentiation is undeniably conspicuous and while it is in essence compatible with human biology, it is condemned by the "libs." Their plea is always the same: such treatment leads to the development of a feeling of inferiority in the female. It indoctrinates the subconscious mind of the girl with a view to convince her of the conspired falsehood, i.e., the superiority of the male. The "libs" believe that keeping the "traditional roles" of sexes in the school gives an edge to the boy over the girl: he is depicted as the hero, the protector, the leader and even the mastery. This seems to be an exaggeration which has its roots in feminine emotion. In many cases, the slave-mind prevails over the "libs" and is manifested in irrational and perverted behavior.
The staunchest proponent of liberalism cannot deny that the male is created with more muscular strength, that biologically speaking, he is more "aggressive '" that his mind is more outwardly inclined, and that he is more free from physiological cyclical effects. The female is created with other exceliencies anti-distinctions by virtue of her constitution. Her motherhood instincts, her feminine tenderness and her physiologically receptive aptitude for procreation. These clear facts should induce us to accept, at least, such differentiation that confirm anti correspond with the distinct natural characteristics of each sex. It follows that there must be differentiation in all schools to respond to these basic biological divergent requirements.
The so-called peer group effects and the symbolic agents of sex roles are very akin to each other, especially among adults. Clubs of men and women, the distinction in public behavior and the discriminatory treatment of the sexes in many public and social functions do exist in all present societies. One has to admit that some of this differentiation is due to societal factors and/or obsolete inherited tradition. But one cannot also deny that there are genuine irrefutable reasons for differentiation in this field. Despite the equal opportunities open to both sexes in education and public life, women have been active in fields that do not require much "aggressiveness," and where there is a concurrence of biological effect and societal functioning. In such activities there is no reason whatsoever for a woman not to succeed and even excel any man.
SOCIALIZATION VERSUS BIOLOGY
There is evidence that socialization factors, when carried out extensively at an early age, affect the biological functioning of the child. That is how we notice the 'sissy' boy and the 'tomboyish' girl. Also, oversecretion of female hormones in a male would produce the same effect, despite any socialization effort to the contrary. In both cases, the situation becomes unhealthy and the individual suffers from some perversion and could develop trans-sexualism. The correct attitude is obvious: we have to adapt our socialization processes in such a manner that they correspond to our biological functioning. The indelible male and female characteristics installed in our limbic systems as a result of the prenatal hormonal secretions must be the basis of our socialization process. There must be harmony between the act of creation (natural state) and the willful human action. Failing this, a grave imbalance takes place, shaking the personality of the individual to its very roots. Thus, the "libs" claim for identical treatment of males and females in every domain denies the biological constitution of the human mind and body and nullifies masculinity and femininity. Homosexuality, which at present is assuming some prominence in industrialized Western societies, is the product of lopsided thinking and is bound to fail. It is a revolt against the law of creation and will not be allowed to prevail, whatever price humanity may pay for it.
A female must be brought up in a manner that makes her feel proud of her femininity and not ashamed of it. She must be treated with equity but she must not be equated to the male. They are different and can never be equals, as each of them has a domain predestined from his or her conception.
STRUCTURE AND FUNCTION OF THE FAMILY
We have seen that there is no continuity of life without marriage-a union between male and female -a nd that life is order. Death is entropy or disorder. In Cadmure's words: "Life is mainly to reproduce and to feel." The marriage of cells which constitute our body, brain, and nerves is a highly organized "institution" administered by sophisticated laws and geared by strict discipline. Humans are no more than their cells, and the rule of order and discipline is the essence of their existence. Any violation of this rule is a step towards entropy or self-destruction.
As we live, we reproduce - we marry. Humans learn to live in heterogeneous couples and reproduce within a certain orderly social framework called the "family institution." The word "social" here is not a mere fabrication by man. It is necessarily biological in the sense that one human cell cannot alienate itself from other similar cells. Whenever a group of cells (families) comes together, the necessity for order and discipline becomes incumbent. Hence those who believe that there should be-or even could be-a society of human cells (families) without rules administering the relationships between its individuals, are asking for the impossible, the anti-natural. Such a chaotic grouping does not exist in nature.
Oparin, a Russian biologist, proved that if a collection of molecules (he calls them coacervates) is given a chance to act, they have order. He set a chemical reaction in the solution where these coacervates were floating and found that they formed an inexplicable and unpredicted order: heads outward and tails inward. There was a mystifying difference between the rate of reaction outside and inside the coacervates. According to Oparin, "This difference accounts for the formation of the cell."
Sociologically speaking, a family is operationally defined as "...a special kind of structure whose principals are related to one another through blood ties and/or marital relationships, and whose relatedness is of such a nature as to entail 'mutual expectations' that are prescribed by religion, reinforced by law, and internalized by the individual." This definition takes into account the general aspect of any family and the Islamic point of view. Dr. Abd al-Ati, accordingly specifies the purposes of marriage as:
-a means of emotional and sexual gratification,
-a mechanism of tension reduction,
-a means of legitimate procreation,
-social placement,
-an approach to inter-family alliance and group solidarity, and
-above all, an act of piety.
Both above definitions and purposes are quite elaborate and comprise many views about the functions of the family. Nevertheless, there is the intricate cause and effect relationship between the family and society.
The culture of any society comprises many traditions installed in its individuals' minds and which are passed on from one generation to another. As man is conservative by instinct, he does not try to change such traditions except under the great pressure of evolutionary requirements. This perpetual struggle between the two instincts: conservatism and evolution plays an important role in delimiting the functions of the family institution in every society. Both instincts are dynamic and must be kept in good balance for any sane society to develop. Traditions constitute a part of the established ideology of a people, whilst evolution is the active element that steers the present status towards a future one, and as such, it formulates another part of the ideology. Amidst this continuous process the family exists, caught between the two parts. The family is there to conserve what is best and most appropriate in tradition, and to adopt and practice what is best and most appropriate in the new evolution.
To apply the above philosophy, functions, and definitions to the Muslim family in the States, we come immediately to a host of variegated and intertwined problems. Islam is integral and Muslims are supposed to adopt it in its entirety. "Believe ye in part of the Scripture and disbelieve ye in part thereof? And what is the reward of those who do so save ignominy in the life of this world, and on the Day of Resurrection they will be consigned to the most grievous doom." (2:85)
Accordingly, they are required to apply Islamic laws concerning all matrimonial matters. Yet, being residents in a non-Muslim country which does not follow the Islamic Shariah, they are bound to meet with a complex of contradictory situations. Such complication is exacerbated by the lack of consolidated Muslim communities and the absence of any Islamic order that could help solve their problems.
To start with, there is the problem of the marriage contract. Muslims who intend to live here for a protracted length of time or forever are obliged to register their marriage in accordance with the laws of the state in which they wed. Once this is done, the rights and obligations of both spouses are defined by what these laws stipulate and not by Islamic injunctions. This applies, in fact, to all subsequent familial issues. The husband's financial obligation towards his wife and household, the wife's duties towards her husband and household, and the social code which should be observed by both-all these important issues become subject to local American jurisprudence. In case of divorce, it is again the state laws that adjudge the final separation act irrespective of the Islamic injunctions.
Another important issue that affects the Muslim family in the States is the economic status. In many cases, both spouses are obliged to work and gain more income to make ends meet and to save something as a security for the future. This economic aspect is very common to most American families and is taken for granted by them, with its good and bad effects. It does not constitute a major problem to them as it is consistent with their material civilization and ideology. Westerners have developed a certain philosophy of life in regard to the status of women as a result of their past heritage and present industrialized societies. It is common knowledge that Athenians treated women as a commodity which could be bought and sold. The Romans considered women to be the property of the father and/or the husband until the days of Justinian (5th century) when some separate identity of women was legally acknowledged. Judaism looks down upon women as a curse worse than death and considers them essentially evil. The Christian views on women varied from considering them to be living beings without souls to humans without identity. The British law until 1801 allowed the husband to sell his wife. The list of historical abuses of women in the West is too long to be enumerated in this paper.
It is only very recently that non-Muslim societies agreed to give women some independent status. Even today, the renowned liberal American wife cannot buy property without the consent of her husband nor is she allowed to stick to her maiden name without adding that of her husbands. In Switzerland, she cannot enter into any contractual transaction without her husband's written consent, and if she earns any money from her work, he is legally entitled to half her income. All over the West, the husband can deprive his wife of his legacy after death.
No wonder, then, we hear women claiming "equality" with man and justice in treatment. The present culture, predominantly influenced by the economic or materialistic agent, gave justice, equality and liberation a material implications pecuniary value. In their industrial age where money is power, where rich is good and poor is bad, where dog eat dog are accepted premises of individuals' interrelations, and where moral values have been dumped into the garbage bin, women are contending for economic independence as a basis for their claim for equal human rights.
To achieve this end, they did not mind the commercialization of their femininity, the loss of their chastity, the destruction of their family and the perturbation of their emotions. This yearning for liberation pushed the Western woman into deep waters. Her desire for independence dragged her into competition and aggression, and her pride alienated her from the affectionate society. In her solitude, she accepted permissiveness and along with her struggle for survival, she nurtured bitterness and rancor. In the midst of her secular preoccupation, she suppressed her spiritual values and trod on her motherly instincts.
The American concept of family and marriage has undergone radical change in the last few decades. Originally, as Edward Westermack puts it, "Marriage is rooted in the family and not the family in marriage." The family in turn was the foundation of society. Hence, the regulation of all family relations was considered a necessity called for by two fundamental exigencies: wholesome human procreation and preservation of society.
The modern industrial culture upset the past norm of family life and greatly changed the purposes of marriage. New opportunities of material gain were opened to married and unmarried. Women making them eco- nomically independent from their husbands and male providers. The women's emancipation movement accordingly declared that there was no more reason for tolerating subjugation to the male and cultivated the eccentric tendencies against the traditional functioning and sex-roles in the family. "The woman's new freedom has greatly increased sexual opportunity outside marriage, supported by contraception and abortion." The main purpose of marriage has become to satiate the desires of the couple, or what the libs call to achieve individual fulfillment and to ascertain the spouse's identity. The new concept has become tantamount to fulfilling the "desire of each other's need for individual happiness" and "the development of man-woman relationship." This, according to them, would lead to giving the wife the same status as the husband without differentiation or discrimination. Thus, a new concept of marriage rooted in the family had to be developed, and four substitutes are being practiced in modem societies:
1. Serial monogamy, where a series of marriages take place one after the other. This is what prevails in the United States at present where divorce occurs in 40% of marriages and where 75% of the divorced remarry. There are some modernists who suggest the "bypass of divorce by requiring renewal or cancellation of all marriage contracts at three year intervals."
2. Open marriage, where the exclusivity of husband-wife (sexually and otherwise) is eliminated. Those who advocate this category of marriage practice "wife swapping" or "swinging." They claim that extramarital experiences would reduce jealousy, relieve tensions and ease the pressures of personal conflict.
3. Polygamy and group marriage, where an association of husbands and wives and their children mix together without restriction or constraint. The claim here is that multiplicity of parenthood for adults and children would offer a wider variety of interactive experiences in meeting individual needs.
4. Homosexuality, where women "marry" women and men "marry" men without the usual conflict which is inevitable in every new normal marriage.
All such approaches can never succeed in creating a happy family because they ignore the biological and the spiritual elements. Humans cannot survive without a society and no society can survive without the family. As individuals, "to live is to love and to love is to live," as Havelock Ellis puts it. Serial monogamy, open marriage, group marriage and homosexuality lack the premodial basics of the family. Humans are the only species where the offspring needs parental catering for a relatively long period after birth, not only physically but emotionally as well.
The new frustrated efforts, as reflected in the modern abnormal family life do not unite man and woman in a bond where both enjoy material and emotional security, stability and contentment. They do not cure the ailments created by the prevailing technological culture: alienation, loneliness, anomie, lack of love, and anxiety. "Search any average human being and you soon find evidence of heart-hunger for closeness and intimacy and the shared life as the only dependable sources of a sustained sense of self-esteem and of personal worth."
The women's emancipation movement in this country is revolting against long-standing inequitable treatment, against a biased, unjust legal system and a domineering economic exploitation. In their revolt, and in the absence of any effective religious or moral guidance, women have gone to the extreme which has brought down on them the misery of "civilized prostitution and adultery."
Such are the circumstances of the culture under which a Muslim family lives in this country. It would be a gross mistake to assume that Muslims will not be affected by the American way of life, the American materialistic values and American laws. Hence, the complex of problems of Muslim families start. If we add to the above anomalies the problems arising from the educational systems and its repercussions on the youngsters and adults, we could better understand the vast dimension of the Muslim dilemma. An example of this confusion is the so-to-speak highly educated Muslim wife who believes that it is her legitimate right to invite any male friend into the home, even in the absence of her husband, to accept an invitation in another city or another country without his permission, or the right to choose hard work in a locality other than where he lives. It is not a rare case to come across a Muslim woman who believes that she has the right to work as she has spent long years qualifying herself in a certain profession. In most cases, she would be motivated by her desire to material gain, especially when she can have some fulfillment out of the social activities in her professional domain. Such wives are deeply influenced by the American materialistic mentality and would claim the best of two worlds: to keep her job and to claim her Islamic right to be sustained by her husband.
The problems of children born in Muslim families are well known to all and have been repeatedly discussed by Muslim sociologists and thinkers in numerous conventions and symposia. They revolve on the cold fact that the American environment and culture affect the Muslim child's mentality and code of ethical values. When both parents are working, the child does not get enough care and domestic orientation to protect him against anti-Islamic practices. More serious a menace is the loss of the child's Islamic identity and his relatedness to a Muslim community. But these children's problems are mainly derived from the principal family problems which, if solved, would automatically bring relief to the chil- dren's ordeal.
THE ISLAMIC SOLUTION- BIOLOGY AND SOCIALIZATION
There is nothing more compatible with human nature than Islamic teachings and injunctions, if only because they take the individual as a fallible being, subject to trial and error and subject to correction and evolution. "On no soul does Allah place a burden greater than it can bear." (2:286)
It gets every good that it earns, and it suffers every ill that it earns. As we are concerned here with the Muslim family, it is natural that whatever solution we may suggest, it must be in accordance with Islam. Luckily enough, Islam decides upon every issue, taking human nature in consideration and exhorting us to abide by the eternal laws of creation.
Empirical sciences have discovered many facts concerning our biological structure and physiological functioning, but there are still many more of life's secrets to be uncovered. There is not one single established scientific fact that runs contrary to any Islamic injunction; but there are many postulates, ideas and theories that may be incompatible with Islamic teachings. Under such uncertain conditions, the Muslim is supposed to follow the Islamic rules irrespective of the scientific dubious points of view and his personal desires.
Regarding the traditions and cultures that affect our socialization, we must bear in mind that these are the product of certain practiced ideals and established ideas prevailing at one time in a certain society. This is an extremely important element in the Islamic syndrome of solutions to societal problems. Islam is a philosophy that defines the purpose of human life, the relation between man, nature, and the Creator. It is a doctrine that sets up the broad outlines of the social, political, economic and esthetic systems which should be applied in our daily transactions and intercourse. Such philosophical definitions and doctrinal delineations are confined to the basic facts which do not evolve or change in accordance with the continuous human evolution. Facts are absolute and are not subject to change, otherwise they are neither facts nor absolute.
Whatever solutions we find in Islam, they are based on such absolute facts whether known to our contemporary scientists or unknown to them. The entire concept of the family and roles of its members is a part of the general concept of the Islamic society. Let us bear in mind that marriage is dictated by our biological needs and is a part of the indispensable human society and not just a matter of individual option. "And of everything we have created pairs." (51:49).
The word 'zawj' is used in the Quran as meaning a pair or a mate. Both words connote marriage. "Do they not look at the earth, how many pairs of noble things we have produced therein?" (31:10). Even in Paradise, the Quran informs us that we shall have mates (see 2:25, 4:57). Allah created humans from one soul, which could be the first cell. From this soul He created the male and the female. The story of creating Eve (the first female) from a rib of Adam (the first male) is not mentioned in the Quran. "And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from yourselves that ye may find rest (and peace) in them." (30:2 1). "O mankind, heed (in reverence) your Lord Who created you from a single soul, and from it created its mate, and from them both spread a multitude of men and women." (4:1).
Our Prophet orders us to get married as soon as we can. The family is the nucleus of the Islamic society and marriage is the only way to bring about such an institution. Extra-marital relations are categorically condemned and prohibited. "Nor come nigh to adultery (or fornication) for it is a shameful deed and an evil, opening the road to other evils." (17:30).
It is only logical that Islam set up the rules to regulate the functioning of the family whereby both spouses can find peace, love, security and relatedness. The elements are necessary to accomplish the greatest purpose of marriage: the worship of Allah. By worship it is not only meant the performance of rituals, but it essentially implies righteousness in all transactional behavior. Every good deed, every service to humanity, every useful productive effort, and even every good word are a part of a true Muslim worship of his Allah. If both husband and wife observe this main purpose, this cardinal purpose of their union, they would easily learn how to help each other achieve this goal which is greater than themselves. They would learn how to tolerate each other, how to love Allah in themselves and in other beings, and how to overcome their difficulties and their shortcomings.
The second purpose of marriage is to respond to the basic biological instinct of procreation. Children are the realization of motherhood and fatherhood. Islam is particular in providing the most possible wholesome atmosphere for bringing up the offspring. To give birth to children and neglect them is a crime towards society, the children, and the parents themselves. The child who is deprived of the ample love of his or her parents, who is not properly tutored at an early age, and who is left to babysitters and nurseries will develop many anti-social behavioral patterns and may end up with crime, perversion and corruption. Such a child may never find his or her identity as he or she could have felt it in a systematic manner during his or her childhood. Without a family life, governed by Islamic order and discipline, how can we expect a child to have the Muslim conscience and the Islamic value of righteousness.
Islam prescribes clear rights and obligations on parents and their descendent Parents are legally responsible for the education and maintenance of their children. These, by turn, are legally responsible for accommodating and maintaining their parents, if they so require, in their old age. Both parents and children inherit from each other according to a prescribed and accurate law of inheritance specified in the Quran. Neither of them can deprive the other of their respective shares in the legacy. This is only part of the long family code in Islam. What is of import here is the husband-wife relationship-their sex roles-within the context of Islamic comprehension: "And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may find rest (and peace) in them. And He has put love and mercy between your (hearts); Verily in this are signs for those who reflect." (30:21).
Despite the importance of these moral values: rest, peace, love and mercy, Islam did not stop there. It bolstered its original concept of the family by defining the roles of man and woman in such a manner that each should act in accordance with his or her biological merits. The man, with his aggression, is charged with what is called the instrumental functions: maintenance, protection, dealings with the outworldly matters and leadership within the family. The woman is entrusted with caring for and rearing the children, organizing the home, and creating the loving atmosphere inside. Let us be clear from the beginning that in an Islamic society the wife is not expected to be pushed to work to gain money. Even the unmarried, the divorcee, and the widow are guaranteed, by law, an income that helps them lead a reasonably comfortable life. Work or trade are not prohibited to women. Yet, they are not recommended to undertake such activities unless there is a justification for them and without prejudice to their husband's rights. Once the woman gets married, she accepts the Islamic ruling on the functioning of the family. Her role becomes mainly to achieve the welfare of her household and to look after the internal family affairs. If she wants to work, she is bound to ask the explicit approval of her husband. However, if she has her own property or fortune, and if she opts to run or invest such wealth, she is entitled to do so without her husband's permission, but provided this does not infringe upon her marital obligations.
THE ISLAMIC FAMILY
In Islam, as in biology, there is no family without marriage, and there is no marriage without rules and discipline. The family in Islam is a unit in which two independent persons unite and share life together. The husband's dignity is an integral part of his wife's dignity. Accordingly, neither of them is better than the other. To unite and share, there must be mutual love and compassion-a genuine feeling which unless translated into action and behavior would be mere illusion and futile emotion. One can hardly accept the claim of love of the spouse who does not care for his or her sick partner or who does not share the family responsibilities.
This fundamental basis, if well understood and observed, makes the first loyalty of both spouses to their family which is supposed to serve Allah in piety as the main purpose of marriage. It implies that they act as if they were one person with many organs. The head of the human is not better than the heart, and the hand is not better than the foot. If the man is charged with the duty of leadership and maintenance, he is not better than the woman who is assigned the duty of keeping the household, even if the first duty is more difficult and perhaps more significant. Imam Muhammad Abduh emphasizes this point as vital for the right understanding of the sex roles of spouses. He adds that the Quranic verse, "And in no wise covet those things in which Allah hath bestowed His gifts more freely on some of you than on others; to men is allotted what they earn, and to women what they earn" (4:32) does not imply that every man is better than every woman or vice versa. According to him, each sex, in general, has some preferential advantage over the other, though men have a degree over women.
There has been much controversy about this 'degree'. Some interpret it as the delegation of leadership, surveillance and maintenance which are bestowed on men. Others say that it is the tolerance with which men must treat their wives. A third view is that it is men's natural gift for judging matters and managing external problems. However, the consensus is that this 'degree' comprises the principle of 'guardianship' or 'qiwamah'.
Imam Abduh in the course of interpreting the preceding Quranic verse, stated that qiwamah or guardianship has four elements: protection, surveillance, custody and maintenance. Dr. Abd al-Ati considered the element of obedience over and above the aforementioned four elements- the most important indication of qiwamah. Obedience, to him, and in accordance to the Quran and Traditions comprises the following:
1. She must not receive male, strangers or accept gifts from them without his permission. Nor must she lend or dispose of any of his possessions without his approval,
2. The husband has the legal right to restrict her freedom of movement and prevent her from leaving her home without his permission. She must comply with this right unless there is a necessity or legitimate advantage for her to do otherwise. However, it is his religious obligation to be compassionate so as to relax his right to restrict her freedom of movement. If there arises a conflict between this right of his and wife's parents' right to visit and be visited by their daughter, his right prevails.
Yet it is religiously recommended that he be considerate enough to waive his right and avoid estrangement within his conjugal family or between any member of this family and close relatives, e.g. the wife's parents.
3. A refractory wife has no legal right to object to the husband's exercise of his disciplining authority. Islamic law, in common with most other systems of law, recognizes the husband's right to discipline his wife for disobedience.
4. The wife may not legally object to the husband's right to take another wife or to exercise his right of divorce. The marital contract establishes her implicit consent to these rights. However, if she wishes to restrict his freedom in this regard or to have similar rights, she is legally allowed to do so. She may stipulate in the marital agreement that she too, will have the right to divorce, or that she will keep the marriage bond only so long as she remains the only wife; should he take a second wife, the first will have the right to seek a divorce in accordance with the marriage agreement.
5. Finally, if the husband insists on patrilocality or neolocality, the wife Must Comply."
CONCLUSION
The problems facing Muslim families living in the States can be dealt with in compliance with Islamic teachings and principles once we accept them as binding. If the spouses are really devout, they will have no difficulty in encountering the evils of the Western culture and in escaping the anti-Islamic societal factors that may run contrary to Islam. The guidelines as we see them would be:
1. The main purpose of marriage is to live in piety and to serve the Islamic Cause. The wife has the right to discontinue working whenever she pleases. The husband may allow the wife to work with the condition that her gain belongs to the family and not be considered as her personal property.
2. Household: When the wife is not employed, the household becomes her first occupation. By household it is meant the rearing of the children and all domestic services required for maintaining a clean and comfortable habitation. The Prophet (PBUH) said, "Cleanliness is a part of faith." Motherhood is highly appraised in Islam and is the most elated value second to the worship of Allah.
MARRIAGE, DISPUTES AND DIVORCE
Marriage: Muslims should marry according to Islamic traditions and rules. The marriage will have to be registered with the State in which they wed in order to give it a legal force. This legal procedure subjects the marriage contract to the jurisdiction of American laws which, in most cases, contradict many Islamic rulings. However, such contradiction does not happen unless there is a dispute that both spouses fail to solve in accordance with the Shariah.
Disputes: These are expected to arise in all matrimonial relations. Muslim abiding spouses must learn how to compromise and tolerate each other. Their guide is the teaching of their religion and their good example is their Prophet. However, in case they fail to solve their own problems, they have to resort to arbitration. The spouse who refuses this Quranic injunction or who defies the other partner taking shelter under the umbrella of American laws is failing in his or her religious commitment. The Quranic arbitration is meant to be binding on both spouses and would, indeed, relieve the Muslim family of most of its problems.
Divorce: If one to the spouses refuses arbitration, non-Islamic divorce is bound to take place, leaving a deep painful scar on both of them. Arbitration may end in divorce, but in this case it would be least harmful as both would feel more content when Shariah is justly applied.
It is a pity that many recalcitrant (nashiz) Muslim women think that American law would serve their interest more than the Islamic Law. This is not only wrong but the consequences of litigation generally leaves more ill feeling than should be.
ENVIRONMENT AND CHILDREN
Nobody can deny the impact of environment upon adults and children. Up until now, one can safely say that Muslims of America could not constitute any physical or moral community comparable to that of the Jews or the Chinese. Granted that there are some groupings in scattered localities and spiritual guidance from different sources, yet there is no community that could respond to many basic needs. The family must live in a society, and unless an Islamic community is created, the Muslim family will have no alternative but to merge in a non-Muslim one.
The danger is so imminent that it forms the major part of the family problems in the United States. Both adults and children are influenced by American values and traditions, and by American behavior and manners. There is no escape from this "assimilation" except by strengthening the family bonds and by steadfast observation of Islamic teachings. The husband must lead here by strict adherence to Islamic ways of life and by requiring the same from his wife.
Such are the sex-roles in Islam and the main problems facing Muslim families in the United States and, indeed, in all non-Muslim countries. The solutions mentioned above entirely depend upon the faith of the spouses and their earnest desire to live up to their religion. Allah, according to the Holy Quran, has made men in charge of their wives, has ordered them to maintain and protect them and has ordered women to obey their husbands and guard their secrets (see 4:34, 35). As for those spouses who claim the right to twist the meanings of Quranic texts so as to suit their personal desires, and those who try to subject Islam to non-Islamic laws are sick in their hearts and are transgressors. Most probably, such persons would not like to read this essay, though we pray to Allah to guide them to the right way: "Say: This is my Way: I call on Allah with sure knowledge and (so does) whosoever follows me - glory be to Allah! and I am not of the idolaters" (12:108).
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